[insert song title here]

Alright so, Dayna tagged me to name one thing that made me happy for 8 days starting on Thursday. I obviously haven't done it since then, so I'm going to do a quick catch up and maybe I'll edit this and improve it later.

Thursday: Giving Shelby her Christmas gift!
Friday: Crashing the Haltom Theatre Party with Merry Attire and French Christmas Carols
Saturday: Watching Elizabeth's film

Woo!

Party tonight.

I'm psyched.

Me and Cinderella put it all together

Dayna is home for the holidays! This excites me to a very large degree. Last night was the theatre Christmas party. I think it went well, lots of people told me they had fun. The room looked beautiful and we had plenty of food and there was always something to do. I hate dancing and being "crunk" and all that shabang, s o I felt sort of awkward most of the time and had I not been the one hosting it I most likely would have left early. Haha, but don't feel sorry for me. I had a lot of fun! Billy dressed up as Jesus and wore a Birthday crown and Baylor was the most precious Charlie Brown; he even brought his own little pathetic tree. =] I love that kid! My camera was acting funny and all the pictures I took looked like they were in a fog, so I used AK's camera. When she uploads pictures I'll share them on here. Good news is, my camera recovered and is no longer foggy. Yeah!

And now, a real transcript of a conversation between Dayna and I last night:

K: So today at lunch Michael, Jordan, and I were discussing who would win Vampire vs. Superman.
D: Oh vampire, definitely. I hate Superman.
K: Well, even despite how you feel about him personally, Superman would totally lose -- vampires are way faster and more powerful.
D: Yeah.
K: And then we wondered, what about Vampire vs. The Flash.
D: That one's hard.
K: Yeah, because The Flash is just barely faster than a Vampire ... but Vampires have super sensory reaction that The Flash doesn't have so all he'd have to do is sneak up on him and suck him dry.
D: Yeah. (beat) ... I know ... Vampire vs. Unicorn!
K: Cha. No contest. Vampire.
D: Yeah, I figured but I just thought it would be the ultimate Good vs. Evil.
K: Yeah.
D: (beat) What about a Vampire Unicorn?
K: (beat) ... Awesome.



And now ... fun links that every boy and girl should visit:

Her Voice: An amazing online 'zine about a steam punk princess
x
Really Awesome Nikon camera-shaped cake!
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8 Prolific Female Serial Killers
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Why Thanksgiving is the Best Holiday for Singles
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Old-school Nickelodeon TV on your Computer!

And one more thing ...

This shirt is so cute, I want it!

That frankly will not fly

Ugh. I'm disgusted with myself. I really need to start over and improve in pretty much every aspect of my life. Goodness.


I know this is a trail mix ad, but I just stumbledupon it and it seemed relevant. haha


Okay, so I'm not just another "I'm leaving a vague lamentation comment in a dramatic attempt to make people wonder about my state of being and inquire" I will elaborate on the comment I made up there.


I am growing increasingly impatient and bored with my life as I countdown the months before I get to move to Austin and START OVER. I am really looking forward to starting over because ...

a) It's hard to change peoples' opinions of you after they already have an idea of how they want to see you. I know that I've changed and grown a lot and it's frustrating for people to see you as the same person you were a few years ago.

b) As a senior in high school, most of my peers are now younger than me. High school is already frustrating when you can't hold intelligent conversations with your peers, but as you grow older and the older students graduate you have fewer and fewer people with whom to have scintillating conversation. Thus breeds frustration.

c) I'm bored. Bored with what I'm learning, bored with what I'm doing on the weekends, bored with the people I interact with, bored with myself and my own inactivity. Just plain bored. I want to feel passionate about life again!

Alright, because of this I have been:

cranky, grouchy, impatient, rude, apathetic, and negative.

This is no good.

I've stopped eating healthy and stopped doing things I love and stopped putting in the effort to be a good person and to hold my tongue when people annoy me or make me mad because the attitude of "Why does it matter?" has set in.

This is a TERRIBLE attitude to have. I recognize this! SO ... I am going to try try TRY to stop it. I am going to strive to do the things that make me happy like crafts, and scrapbooking, and writing, and watching good films, and listening to good music, and being around people I love. I am going to strive to only put good, helpful substances into my body. I am going to strive to treat every person with patience and kindness. I am going to strive to treat myself more nicely and not be so self-critical.

So yeah, pretty much.


Haha ... look at past posts I realize that I wrote a pretty similar post about a month ago. Go figure I was on my period then as I am now. Maybe I'm just super self critical when I'm PMS-ing?? haha ... ugggh.

I think perhaps that might have a little something to do with it, because although I haven't posted in a while, a lot of happy things have happened that I've continued putting off writing about. Things like: Making a breakthrough in the screen writing, Earning 12 hours of college credit already, the UIL academic meets, Garrett and Sam's birthday part, seeing "Ebeneezer", seeing "Synedoche, NY", seeing "The Last 5 Years" and having Dayna visit.

Maybe I just need to chillax, drink some water, go to sleep, and give myself another shot tomorrow.

It's a long, long haul

(Bold the ones you’ve done.)

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said "I love you" and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby's diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and didn't care who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Taken a midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theatre
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on a television news program as an "expert"
83. Gotten flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. Passed out cold
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone's heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a TV game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on a photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for 30 hours in a 48 hour period
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. States
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad and The Odyssey
135. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone's life

She demonizes then runs for cover. But then how could she behave otherwise? She's just a spoilt suburban white girl ...

FACT: Sleeping has happened less often than I would have preferred this week (and yet I'm up at 2 am blogging? Geez I'm a hypocrite ...)

FACT: I have to be at school in 6 hours to volunteer with a UIL academic meet. Yes, I am so unbelievably nerdy it should pain you. ;]

FACT: I almost got into a car wreck today, the closest I had ever been while actually being the one driving. I wasn't so concerned about my safety as much as what my parents would do to me if I had.

FACT: Stage make-up, lack of sleep, and plenty of stress = Kayla's face looks like a disaster zone. Pleasant.

FACT: I proceeded to have an emotional meltdown while driving today; I think it was just the culmination of everything lately.

FACT: It's been a tough week. I don't think I'm alone in saying that.

However --

I have realized something very important from the events of this week, looking back at old journaling, and just taking the time to step back and view everything in a relatively mature light.

I harbor an excessive amount of negativity in my life for no reason except for habit. I really don't want to be this kind of person, and I don't care for the unhappiness of it all. I want to be happy, productive, open, effervescent, creative, confident, passionate, and positive. I am not doing a good job of living a life I've imagined and I'm really the only one who can change that.

So ... in light of the recent stress and negativity of this week ... I have decided that tomorrow will be brighter, and better and I will try my damnedest to be authentic with my feelings but not to wallow in negativity. I think negative energy just spawns more of its own kind and that's no way to live at all!

It took a good deal of random riding around in cars and sitting in diners tonight that finally got that to sink in. I'm slow on the uptake.

Anyhow, tomorrow is a new day and (un)fortunately it starts in less than 6 hours!

Oh beautiful slumber, relieve me from painful somnolence so that tomorrow I may awake avec les yeux d'optimiste!

On the sea-drift sun

Weird weird weird feelings right now. I'm not really sure if it's contentment or dissatisfaction. Ha? Happiness or inadequacy? You would think I would know.

I think what it comes down to, in simple terms is this:

I look around and I see that things are flawed, imperfect, unhappy, not good enough, just not totally peachy -- but somehow despite all of this I feel an overwhelming sense of contentment that everything is actually okay. And more than that, even despite everything it seems to be nice. Right, maybe? At least right for right now.

Fall Show opens tomorrow. I'm glad we run two weekends, it will drag the process out longer. I can't believe this is my last fall show. Man. It is truly unbelievable. I can't fathom that I'm a senior in high school and childhood is ending. ... but that's a whole other ball of wax best saved for another entry of its own.

Not everything is swell. I feel lonely, and misunderstood, and creatively stalled, and self-conscious, and unsatisfied about various things like friend drama, insecurities, falling short of my goals, etc. But, when I look around and see the things that are so great, like having a really great AK or having fun on stage and truly loving my cast members or reading good books or having a beautiful family and an inspiring amazing sister and being relatively healthy, and having the whole world in front of me ....

It seems okay. Everything seems to be alright. Everything is temporary, the good and the bad. And that's okay. We just keep rollin' along.

I wanted to write tonight to be able to express more clearly this feeling ... and I've found that instead I'm just talking in disjointed gab and vague allusions. I don't think I'm really hiding anything or avoiding something specific, maybe a little, but for the most part ... I just think it's hard to explain this feeling.

Like defeat/acceptance/hope/contentment/optimism/happiness?

I know. I know. Doesn't make sense.

Right now out there someone's feeling down on themself and don't know why

Okay, so ... I don't really know how to explain what this list is, despite the title. I read an interesting article on a self help blog about the same thing and basically ... you make a list of things you believe to be true (may or may not be) but you wish you never learned. It sounds really negative, and the deeply set truths you will learn that you hold can be really discouraging. However -- by putting them in a list, you can examine them more easily and learn that many of them aren't true at all. They are just negative falsities that you've convinced yourself to believe.

I did my list last night. I didn't create it with the intention to find something profound or point out my negative thoughts. I wrote it without censoring myself and I wrote the first things that came to my mind without a lull, and I got this list of 12 things. Some are superficial and don't have anything to do with self-improvement, but I don't think that was the point of the exercise. It supposed to be really foolish truths, like ... un-true truths. I don't know if that makes since. I just know that looking back and reading this I feel like a whiny pessimistic shallow person, and I swear I'm not. At least I try not to be. Its a list of things I have learned that I thought were true until I put them on paper and realized they didn't necessarily have to be! (Except for Elton John, because he was sort of rude to Matt Laurer and Matt is really cool, so homie don't play that.)

That being said, I have no idea what the point was. It just felt cathartic.

Enough rambling.


12 THINGS I WISH I HAD NEVER LEARNED

1. I wish I had never learned that Hollywood hates people that are bigger than a twig.
2. I wish I had never learned that in high school you are the prettiest you will ever be and it’s all downhill from here.
3. I wish I had never learned that despite all your best efforts, you can not change people’s opinions of you.
4. I wish I had never learned that Diet Coke can cause cancer.
5. I wish I had never learned that romance doesn’t last forever.
6. I wish I had never learned that people really are superficial.
7. I wish I had never learned that my sister doesn’t believe in God.
8. I wish I had never learned that Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny aren’t real.
9. I wish I had never learned that there are probably a million other girls just like me who think they are special and unique just like me.
10. I wish I had never learned that I am plain and yeah...
11. I wish I had never learned that I have a wrinkle on my forehead from sun damage from Freshman year.
12. I wish I had never learned that Elton John is a diva asshole.


I promise this wasn't meant to be negative. I'm cleansing, this is my dust bin. And some of them don't make sense. I'm sorry.

I loved you before I met you ...

I can't wait to LOVE. I can't wait to tell you about how I like the way your face is crooked and how you have the most precious smile and I love your sense of humor and your choice of clothes. I can't wait to take care of you when you're sick and give you massages. I can't wait to leave you little notes that just say hi, or draw little doodles for you. I can't wait to do things for you that only a girl can do, like decorate a package for your mom's birthday or help you shop for your little sister. I can't wait to smell your smell, and tease you and joke around with you. I can't wait to be your friend. I can't wait to play in arcades with you. I can't wait for you to do something embarrassing in front of me, so I can show you how much I still care about you despite that. I can't wait to stay up all night talking to you. I can't wait to sit by a Christmas tree with you. I can't wait to wear a Halloween costume for you. I can't wait to go on walks with you. I can't wait for you to see me in a play. I can't wait to cook for you. I can't wait to make little crafts for you. I can't wait to do thoughtful things for you. I can't wait to daydream about you. I can't wait to make out in a bounce house with you. I can't wait to go to a terrible, ugly, disgusting carnival with you. I can't wait to sit in snow with you. I can't wait to let you see me in gross pajamas and have you still think I'm beautiful. I can't wait to ride in a shopping cart as you push me. I can't wait to feel beautiful and sexy again. I can't wait to put on perfume for someone again. I can't wait to go on adventures with you. I can't wait to survive the mosh pits of concerts with you. I can't wait to cuddle with you. I can't wait to show you off to my friends. I can't wait to play board games and card games with you. I can't wait to take silly pictures with you. I can't wait to go to IHOP with you at 4 in the morning. I can't wait to watch old cartoons and game shows with you. I can't wait to double date with you with Dayna and Ewan. I can't wait to be held by you. I can't wait to rest my head on your shoulder. I can't wait to have you rest your head in my lap. I can't wait for you to pet my hair. I can't wait for you to make fun of me and tease me. I can't wait for you to meet my friends and hang out with them. I can't wait for you to take care of me when I am sad. I can't wait to be able to help you with anything I can. I can't wait to go out with you while wearing funny clothes and wigs. I can't wait to introduce you to my sister and her boyfriend. I can't wait to meet your family. I can't wait to talk about politics with you. I can't wait to do little arts and crafts projects with you. I can't wait to swing on the swing set with you. I can't wait to go swimming with you. I can't wait to bake you cupcakes. I can't wait to write you lame joke poetry. I can't wait to miss you. I can't wait to fight with you, but still make it through. I can't wait to kiss you. I can't wait to hug you. I can't wait to hold your hand. I can't wait to want you. I can't wait to be wanted by you. I can't wait to love again.

I think the hardest times are finally gonna pass us,

glass half-full, watch my eyes ...



Life is so great. I almost feel guilty because I'm so happy. Like, wow ... Do I deserve to have such an amazing life with so much joy? I hope so. I am so blessed!

Don't Stop Believin' ...

I know that it's superficial and unrealistic to idolize celebrities, however, I can't help but yearn to one day share some common attributes with a few of my favorites. Here are my top 5 (of right now) and why I love them. I realize that each of these people have less than desirable qualities or aspects that may seem contradictory to something I'm praising another one for, but that's the point, isn't it? If they were everything wonderful, I'd want to be just like them! Instead, I'd rather be Kayla Lane and aspire toward the same achievements as the following celebrated peoples.

In no particular order, my celebrity role-models:

1>>> Diablo Cody



Why I love her: Diablo Cody is one of few highly-recognized female screen writers. Her script, "Juno", was off-beat, quirky and absolutely true to Diablo's voice as a writer and personality. She has a great sense of humor in her scripts and her editorials and her interviews. "Juno" was well-written, and was critically acclaimed despite the odds -- and throughout all the celebrity buzz, Daiblo Cody has remained her same old, imperfect, slightly tawdry self. (Plus, I love animal print and red lipstick!)


2>>> Angelina Jolie



Yes, she's gorgeous. Yes, she's married to Brad Pitt. Yes, she makes great movies. But besides all that, what make Angelina Jolie a knockout for me is her commitment to utilizing her celebrity status as a launching pad for humanitarian work. She donates so much of her time and money to global relief without becoming an angry-clove-burning-guilt-tripping-riot-starting belligerent that greatly annoys me. She just seems to possess herself with an overwhelming amount of peace and decorum. Plus, I admire her huge family and penchant for global adoptions. Even when I was in elementary school, I always wanted to adopt children from around the planet. I would buy Cabbage Patch kids in all different colors and ethnicity. That menagerie was my idea of a perfect family, and it still is. Angelina devotes so much time to her children; I believe her to be a very excellent mother.


3>>>> Johnny Depp



No, I am not merely a fan girl who has only seen Pirates as well as Edward Scissorhands (to get me some street cred, right?) and claims that Johnny Depp is my favorite actor ever. I've seen 16 of his movies, and not just because he's amazingly gorgeous. Johnny Depp is great because right from the get-go he decided that he did not want to be a teen heart throb. He ditched Jump Street and chased roles that were quirky and creepy and a little uncomfortable. He never did the same thing twice, and he always stayed true to himself. He creates a character in such a way that an audience can not even imagine any other actor in the same role, or even break away from the illusion long enough to remember that the character's are not real, only figments of a talented artist. His career is steady and full on longevity. Johnny knows who to network with, has made some good friends like Tim Burton. The pair have acquired a symbiotic relationship of sorts. He is the muse to Burton's artistry. Johnny Depp is unabashedly himself, dresses in kitschy yet classy attire, and never fails to impress me with his art.


4>>>> Kate Winslet



Once again, the Angelina Jolie curse: Yes, she is gorgeous. Yes, she is talented. Yes, she is famous. But what else? Kate Winslet is a wonderful representation of the beautiful, curvy woman. She has always openly opposed Hollywood's standard of rail-thin beauty and has fought the press against airbrushing her photos to make her appear slimmer. She refuses to lose weight, and still looks gorgeous despite all the hell from critical press. Kate is so proud of her womanly curves that she even shot a nude scene for a film, free of fancy lighting, expertly placed bedsheets, or even Brazillian bare grooming. ... And she still looked fabulous. I must say, I am also very partial to Kate for she did play the starring role in my favorite (or maybe second favorite) movie of all time, The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Her talent and her curves and her "fuck you, Barbie!" attitude make Kate Winslet one of my favorite celebrities.


5>>>>> Tina Fey



Oh Tina Fey, how I love thee. She really is quite stellar. Absolutely articulate, witty, and bright with dashing good looks in a snazzy nerdy way that makes all the intellectual girls say yay! She started in improv (probably the most fun a human being can have on stage) and worked her way up as the FIRST head-writer of SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE. Ever. And that show has been around forever! Then she moved on to being a regular cast member, and basically shining as the crown jewel of the show. She departed to write and star in her own smart sitcom (oxymoron, right?) and in now highly successful despite not fitting the typical Hollywood mold. I love Tina Fey.




So where does that leave me? Basically, in a hodge podge of goals and aspirations that I wish to achieve and ways in which I wish to live my life. I hope I don't appear to be a stupid girl who's obsessed with celebrity. It's not about these people being famous. They just happen to each personify bits and pieces of my overall goal of living a life I've imagined. Sometimes it's helpful for me to see it manifested in someone else to know that I can achieve the same things.



>>>> Kayla Lane

Kayla Lane will be a highly successful writer, actress, and humanitarian. I will be a role-model for realistic body images in Hollywood, and definitely rock the Geek chic with my thick rimmed purple glasses and intellectual aura. I will be compassionate and generous with my time and wealth. I will travel the world and force open the eyes of people who would rather turn away from global tragedy. I will write screenplays of dark comedy, and Kafka-esque romance and political satire. I will never play the same role twice, and I'll make sure that women start to get a fair shake in Hollywood. Girls will no longer have to play only the damsels or the gossip girls. I'll write the roles that mainstream directors won't want to touch, but when they take a chance on me -- you might just be surprised. Maybe one day I'll be recognized for my work in writing and acting, and maybe one day I won't. Maybe I'll have a small loyal fan base, and maybe that will be all. I know that I'll be happy, as long as I keep chasing these dreams. Kayla Lane will be quirky, inspiring, witty, curvy, strong, inspirational, generous, talented, unique, entertaining, humble, compassionate, hilarious, intellectual, hard-working, successful, peaceful, and happy.

Comments on Desastreville!

I know I need to do a real update, but I've been pre-occupied with doing real-life things. Here are some comments I left on Dayna's website that I think are a pretty good snippet of my life right now:

"Despite everything, I love my city because I've seen it grow. And yes, I see that may be negative with the killing of trees and failure of businesses and whatnot, but I think change whether positive or negative is fascinating regardless. I like that my city holds memories of really great people and really fun times and an overall really fun adolescence. I realize that I'm on the final "bonus round" of time in this "city" of the DFW suburbs, but I think I'm able to most appreciate it that way. I know I'm leaving in less than a year, and I am way excited for that! But I can't forget all the great memories this little chunk of conformist close-minded suburban wasteland has given me. I love you and I am so happy that you're so happy. "

"I didn’t know it was world peace day until 42 minutes before it was over, but I felt it. I was very much at peace today. I woke up very late, but did not feel as if I had wasted the day. I felt so healthy and grateful for life. I ate wonderful yummy fairly nutritious food, I went shopping with mom. I made a beautiful craft for my friend and I made beautiful pages for my scrapbook that celebrate my friends. I am writing to you, and that makes me feel happy. I am listening to Voxtrot and that makes me feel nice as well. My life is so peaceful lately. I am content most of the time. I miss you, but that perhaps may be my only grievance right now. Call me sometime, please. It would mean so much to me. I love you!"


Life is good. Love each other. Love yourself!

It's hard to leave all those moments behind

Senior year thus far has been a whirlwind of activity. Sharma is an amazing English teacher, Onen is precious, theatre is insanely busy and I'm having a lot of fun with my social life. Friday was Theatre's first ethnic food friday of the year, and I LOVE "Tu Hai". Very yummy and very inexpensive. After we watched Kill Bill at Steve's house. I'm proud of her this year already. She's done an awesome job of being an active and optimistic participant in life instead of the routine of observing and lamenting. I think Junior year took a toll of her morale ... but it's okay because it's over now! Saturday I went salsa dancing with the show choir and tonight I went to Karaoke night at the local coffee house. I have rehearsals and baby sitting tomorrow and performances all this weekend. Whoo! Homework has not been too unmanageable and "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron is going to be something great, I can just tell. I've been working on sorting out some of my ideas, and the last time Steve and I went to Starbucks I pretty much dictated the whole plot of my business-man-pin-up-girl-thelma-and-louise-story. Yeah ... it's strange. But talking through an idea always helps me out a whole lot more than trying to flesh it out on the page right off the bat. Oh ... I almost forgot, I made Homecoming court? ... weird. I'm not the popular/cheerleader/homecoming type. Mr. Williamson says (in his hippie trippy drama teacher way)in response to my bewilderment to success in a popularity contest: "People like you because you're a good person ... you're special and you're just you." 'Twas a nice compliment. I try to be kind to everyone and I don't pay much attention to social classes or any of that, so I guess it feels sort of nice to have the quirky Underdog represented on the Homecoming court in suburban Texas. haha ... I'm so tired and I have to get up early tomorrow and wait in line for a parking permit as well as finish my French homework and study my lines for "Here I Am". Theatre is overwhelming this year with all the projects already. My-oh-my. Here are some pictures:


Salsa Dancing. It's hard to see me but I'm on the right, behind the two boys in front.



Tu Hai!



After Ethnic Food Friday and most people left Steve's. Just making funny faces with the boys.


Anna and I pose with the kids table as we await karaoke!



Her name is Chloe and she's a second grade cowgirl who sings a mean karaoke!



I am loved. =]

[Title from The Shins' "Kissing the Lipless"]

Dang it.

I keep checking the post secrets because I thought today was Saturday, meaning now that it is 1:30 the new Sunday secrets would be up. Nope. Gah.

Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans

Hmm ... so I left for Missouri on Wednesday, and came back on Thursday ... the whole trip by car. 16 hours in the car, 10 hours asleep in the hotel, and 13 hours actually in Kansas City. Short trip. We took Dayna to Kansas City Art Institute. I miss her already. I'm really happy for her, she says that it's great to be around people whom she can relate with in the same way. But it still doesn't change the fact that for the first time in my life, I'll be living without my sister under the same roof. I cried a lot more than I thought I would in public, I thought it would all be when I got home late at night.

I can't believe school starts on Monday. This summer went by too quickly; I think I worked too much instead of enjoying myself. I understand how that could sound hedonistic, but really I wish I had spent more time with my closest friends and especially my sister. Time is just too precious to wear red and khaki under linoleum lights. Today we cleaned the theatre room, barely scratched the surface ... still more to do. We're going back tomorrow to finish up. I love being in the theatre and being around theatre people. I don't always agree with or love all of them all the time, but there is a certain comfort that comes from being around familiar faces from the last four years.

Juan and I have become such amazing friends lately. We hardly talked for the first two months of summer, but it was like we had never been apart the way we can just jump right back to where we left off. He's amazing. I'm glad he's my friend.

I miss Brooke so much. She says she'll be back in December, but I really can't help but worry about her in Seattle bouncing from house to house. She got her phone shut off, so that's just worse and I hope she is staying in school and getting good grades. However, in her letter she did seem relatively happy so I hope that means things are going well for her. I just wish she was here.

Steve. Geez. I don't know what to say. You bother me that way you are so codependent on whoever your latest boyfriend is. I will never see the desperate need for a boy in the way you act. I want a companion to accent my life and add to it. Not complete it. I just don't understand how you can be my best friend sometimes. You're no good at listening or being there for people, only when I can corner you into actually hanging around me do I ever get to talk to you. I'm going to stop ranting about you right now. It'd take too long and make me too unhappy. You just got lost, I swear. Maybe the next generation? Ha. We'll see ...

There are so many things I want to do or become. I want to be a writer, an actor, a filmmaker, a poet, a songwriter, a pianist, a rockstar, a revolutionary, an activist, a craftsman, a fashionista. Sometimes I feel very ordinary and untalented and that's the most troublesome feeling at all.

Dayna and I saw "Vicky Christina Barcelona" on our last night together, and it was pretty awesome. I felt like all the characters were based in reality, and it was nice to see strong yet flawed feminine protagonists who weren't perfect or stereotypical. I could relate with Vicky's shrew-like demeanor towards the opposite sex and calculating drive and focus on "logical" decisions, but I could also relate with Christina's constant dissatisfaction with her personal life, creative ventures, and the burning desire to find something with which to express herself fully, and never feeling really adequate at any of her attempts.

Scarlett Johansson is beautiful and such an inspiration. Girls who are not rail thin can still make it in Hollywood and make wonderful, classy, thought-provoking movies without being cast as the "fat friend".

Hmm ... I just got distracted by IMDB and looking up Scarlett and Woody Allen. Ha. I'm so freaking tired. Yes ... so, I'm rather tired and I still need to clean my room and take a shower before I can go to sleep and go clean the theatre room some more. So, I leave you with a darling picture of Juan and I chatting by the pool. =]



[Title from John Lennon's "Beautiful Boy"]

And you can be anyone or just some mother's wasted son

... or you can be your own God if you want to.

Wow -- Recently I have felt a surge of motivation and ambition and it's just really great. I have re-discovered why I love theatre and acting so much. This act-wright workshop has been really amazing and has been a perfect spark to reignite my fire! Woooo! I haaaaave to act. Seriously, it's the only thing I'm halfway decent at that I actually like. I mean, I'm good at a lot of things, but they are all either 1) academic and boring and not at all fitting with my craving for EXCITEMENT 2) lots of fun but mostly pointless or one dimensional (thrift town shopping and cupcake baking lol) Anyhoo -- to be the Indie Movie Princess would be beautiful but I know that those odds are difficult and if I could just get steady work in little films and theatre projects I would be content. Even if I can't make enough money through acting, I could be resourceful enough to do other jobs AND I still want to learn everything I can about film so I can make movies myself as well! I could get a break like Zach Braff by writing myself a part! Right? It's very possible. I just need to get a hold of my bootstraps, reel in my ambition and PUT IT TO WORK. Stop being afraid of words on paper and write, and design, and imagine, and RISK. RISK EVERYTHING. YESSSSSSSS.

I've also been thinking a lot about the negative realization that I'm probably socially retarded and most people probably find me annoying. My sister and best friend say I am, but they still love me ... but I realize I just probably am one of those awkward social skill lacking people who bug others or other people feel bad for. ......Welp. Nothing I can do about it, right? I'm too hyped up on this new ambition wave to really think about it.

I've been watching the Olympics and hearing a lot about annoying Disney child stars lately and I'm just so overwhelmed by it all. I'm getting to the age where the young, successful people are younger than I am -- and I, in turn, feel very inadequate. I want to be immortal! I want to leave a kick ass legacy and have the most fun along the way! I really really do and I sometimes think that it seems too impossible and there's no way I'll ever be able to accomplish it. I don't look right, I'm not skinny enough, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not unique enough, I'm not rich enough, WHATEVER. I know I'm certainly dedicated enough and I'm certainly passionate enough.

That's got to be enough, right?



And I realize it doesn't fit and I do know enough about html to make it fit, but I'm lazy and I don't want to.

Lavender dreams dilly, dilly lavender true

I can't remember exactly when, but I feel as though I've known this for a while. It's just the predictability and continuity of being in a room of 26 my "peers" that makes it blatantly obvious. I am not quite "right" for this theatre mold. Not using that as a cop out -- I promise. I'm saying that after 14 hours of listening to people present their scenework and receive top honors for creating a piece just like every other piece that had been presented that day, I couldn't help but feel like I had missed the memo. I feel like everyone interpreted the assignment as "How I will sell an Afterschool Special Onstage". I was bored out of my mind to listen to monologue after monologue of "I had a horrible life until this teacher changed my world." Wow. Gag me with a saccharine spoon. Of course, I won't discredit that some of the people had really great writing skill and their technique was pristine. But I believe the most rewarding part of writing is the ideas, the quintessential moments that are the all recapitulating metaphors and symbols and quirks that encompass the theme of the piece. Not another "I'm going to write an essay about how BLAH changed my life." I find that very TAKS-y and completely fabricated and boring. I feel frustrated and stifled at this workshop.

I've brought my perspective to the table even in the face of confronting their obvious dissimilarity to every other piece out there. Everything I brought up was met with high-acclaim, but I don't feel like it was completely understood. Instead, people took my ideas and made gaudy showgirl pieces out of something I crafted as meaningful. Worst of all, these people are so very proud of their accomplishments. Oh what wonderful thinkers they are! To write your own version of someone else's creative vision. It's frustrating. Beyond frustrating. And then now I find myself in this position, what do I do? Stay true to my designs even though they are now soiled by the tacky knock offs? I don't want my pieces to look sickly in comparison. Part of me would rather abstain from giving them any of my writing then letting it become mangled pieces of fluff and flair.

I know that it is important to take criticism and make adjustments and realize that writing is constantly evolving. But I can't help but feel frustrated when I feel like the majority's view of progress is merely recession to a "safer" level.

However, I will say that there is a very positive outcome of this whole thing. I realize that I am different, it's painfully obvious how similar everyone else's work is and mine stands out in such a graceful and unassuming way that I can only see potential in my ideas for the future. No one ever was rewarded for being exactly the same, and I find comfort in that for its a concept I wrestle with often. I worry that I don't stand out enough in much of anything to ever be great at something. My writing is innovative and different and GOOD. I know it is. I also know that I have a very long way to go if I want to succeed with this, and that its absolutely important that I never think that I can not learn more. I believe that my uniqueness is not only limited to writing but pertains to many other factions of my life as well..

Different has become the new same with everyone dressing like punk rockers or scene kids to show how rebellious and non-conformist they are by shopping at the chain store and buying the same clothes as Pete Wentz.

I honestly don't fit into any of the popular stereotype categories, I honestly do not wear anything trendy, I don't buy the magazines or listen to the radio! I don't dye my hair the crazy colors to make a point or wear the designer labels to prove my worth. I do shop at Thrift Town and buy the quirky things that make me happy and don't fit into any category. My personality and my tastes are unlike anyone I've ever met. It's not that I listen to unknown uber hip underground music, I just listen to thing that are either outdated, overlooked, and sometimes a has-been mainstream that no one likes anymore. But I don't define my tastes by a style or an image. I'm not immune to feeling this way, but I am aware and even if I wanted to fit a mold -- I'd do a poor job. Too different for mainstream but not "alternative" enough for the non-conformist sheep.

If those are the shades of black and white, I swear I must be the color lavender. I sure in hell am not grey; I don't lie in the realm between these two extremes. I just lie in a realm completely of my own.

You've never been so divine in accepting your defeat

Alright, so ... This summer has been uneventful and vital at the same time.

Allow me to explain --

I originally planned to spend the majority of my summer socializing at every opportunity and truly embracing the idea that "Senior Year is the best time of my life!" However -- I have found myself more often than not sporting the red polo and khakis with PDA in tow as I walk the linoleum floors of Target. (How do I still feel broke, then?) Anyhow, when I'm not working my schedule is usually not compatible with most other teenagers since I generally work in the peak socializing hours and when I do have a day off I like to stay home and rest. I would feel guilty about all the lying about I was doing, and I am not validating that because I still think that I wasted a good part of this summer on the couch -- however, I have sort of had a revolution of thinking in sorts. I am very good at worrying about the future, and pitying myself, and being paranoid and stressing out and seeing every potential flaw and failure in myself. HOWEVER. I am using my 17th birthday as a launchpad in which I resolve to begin to be a more pure form of myself. Don't worry so much, live in the present moment, do the things that make me most happy, take care of my body and soul and live my life! I know it sounds lame and cheesy. Ah well. Don't care. Anyway, I thought I'd try and pick up blogging again but this time for the sake of just wanting to do it and keep a virtual scrapbook/journal sort of thing that my friends could look at or read thats not so flashy as facebook or myspace. Does that sound alright with everyone? Good.


I know that I mostly look at the pictures in blogs and skim the writing, so I leave you with a picture of pretty cupcakes that AK and I made last summer as Cuppy Cake Cadets! Yeah, they are spankin' awesome. I'm aware.

Sent a Message out Into the Dark

Ha. Well ... let me begin with this: I am very deficient in my knowledge of technology and even more deficient in the dedication of keeping an internet blog, seeing as I'm much more keen on scrawling in my notebooks every night. However, I believe for summer I will properly solve this dilemma of the under-updated, disappointingly drab and inaccurate blog. I'm considering typing up the transcripts of my written diary entries from all my journaling. However ... this scares me. I don't want to lose all sense of privacy and personal intimacy by posting all that I ramble about at one in the morning on a Tuesday. I don't know if I like the idea of anyone from my parents to the Dalai Lama being able to find this on the internet. Not so much as I'm ashamed of anything I think or feel or write about or ponder, but it's just ... strange. I'm not quite sure how I feel about it. Maybe I'll just include excerpts from journal entries and can increase or decrease content as necessary until I feel comfortable with the level of sharing. Sounds doable? I believe so.

I'm off to listen to Ben Lee and play Free Rice.

Oh, how it's been so long ...

We're so sorry we've been gone!


HONDA CIVIC TOUR.
Awesome.

Phantom Planet was pretty cool, very fascinating to see a Schwartzman in person. Not the one I'd prefer, but still very rad.

Hush Sound wasn't the most awesome band to see in concert, but they make pretty music.

Motion City Soundtrack. Most intense pit. Funny people. I LOVE JUSTIN.

Panic. Awesome. Rad. Amazing. EPIC.

Huzzah.

funny stoners, making friends in the pit, $3 water, pulling people off the ground, sweating until you're no longer gross, being covered in countless obscene fluids, smelling so bad you can't even tell, bunnies for mad as rabbits, dancing when everyone's dead, eye contact with the stars, chanting for water as loud as for rock stars, the feeling of never being clean again, getting a whole lot closer to strangers than you'd ever imagine, very cool.

I love my friends, especially my best friend! My Stevie Lee is pretty much the most amazing best friend that anyone could ever have. She's the bamf. Fo sho.

Look around your world, pretty baby.

Alas, 'tis time for some sort of update. I've found that I've put off updating this thing at all since January, despite one of my New Year's resolutions being to keep a blog. I think the fact that I'm fully aware that I am incapable of writing brilliant, captivating prose that is like twinkling chimes to the senses is what inhibits me. This is where I begin to compare myself to my sister, but I resist and refuse and in turn am moving on and changing the subject.

I StumbledUpon some really amazing art piece today called "Belongings". Let me do my best to try and explain it: Real life stories of human love, through the eyes of diverse, sensitive objects. Very relatable, ironic, and thought-provoking. Definitely recommended.

I believe I'm getting a summer job soon, either at Target or at Nestle Toll House Cafe. Personally, making cookies and smoothies sounds more fun than being a cashier, but I'm not sure which one I'll choose. Target pays more and has more potential to meet people. I really need to meet some new people to inspire me and to spend time with. Brookie was really great and creative and absolutely wonderful but now she's in the golden land of Seattle, and now all I have is Steve. I just need a little more social, emotional, and intellectual variation to appease me.



I believe I need to assign more purpose to this blog, or else it doesn't really motivate one to update it. If I just endlessly twitter about my days, then no one will be interested in reading it who I wouldn't just speak to in person anyway.

We Will Become Silhouettes

What a strange week. I laid in bed Friday night and wondered if it had actually happened ... it did, and then the next day it got even more odd.

So ... my best friend since we were 11... After the initial shock, I'm actually really okay with it. Looking back, I probably could have seen it and sort of did, but it's just something to get used to. I don't think it will actually feel real until she actually does anything. It was strange, but it actually felt like a huge weight off of my shoulders. Strange but it made me feel like I didn't have to compete with her all the time like I always feel like I have to do. Rationally that doesn't even make since -- but I always felt like I was the less pretty, less likable, less date-able out of the two of us but somehow this unrelated revelation has made me feel like that isn't true -- we're equal but different.

To throw a kicker on top of all that? My best guy friend has also told me. I know -- it sounds fishy, but he actually had before he moved here, and just never told us about it until a month ago when he told yesterday.

So all of the sudden ... they have suddenly become minorities, making me the minority by not being a minority. Ha. Well, it was weird at first. But all good.

The three of us talked and it was just funny because now that everything was out in the open between all of us, we all became instantly closer and more relaxed. Of course, being my sarcastic bitch self I took advantage to make fun of them, myself, the situation, and many other things. Don't judge me, I'm just a Faye type. bahaha.

Blah. That's enough about that subject -- it's still taking my brain some time to process it.

In other news --- MY CRAFTY SENSES ARE TINGLING!

I want to make some crafts! I want to display them and sell them and make them for my friends! I want to make polymer clay animals and little foods and put them on necklaces and jewelry :] I want to make skirts and clothes! I want to make felt stuffed animals and plushies! I want to make cool duct tape stuff! PURSES! I WANT TO MAKE PURSES! Really cool collages, too. If I could knit, I'd make kick ass scarves, too. BASICALLY - I want to do everything and I can't settle down and focus enough to decide where to focus my time, money, and energy to decide what I should work on first. Knitting was pretty difficult, polymer clay is too expensive, I'm sure I'll get sick of duct tape stuff after making a prom dress and tuxedo of it, I think I'm going to try and go the textile/sewing route? Gah. Still expensive. Maybe I'll stick with reconstruction? I don't know ... hmm. I need to go to Thrift Town and get some pieces to remake and get an idea. Once I actually START on a project and commit, I'm sure I'll be fine - but before then ... gah.

Anyway -- enough complaining about that.

I felt all warm and tingly today when El Spoffo sent me a text message -- 'tis so nice to talk to him, I love our new bond :]

fdgfdgdfhjgdfh. I think my brain is going to explode again. gah.

Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds

Last night I dreamed!

"Well, isn't that hunky dory for you, then?"
Ha ... but seriously, I have been longing for a really nice REM sleep and vivid dream for a while. This time last year I used to have amazing and frightening and intriguing dreams almost every night and I'd spend hours dissecting them and pulling the puzzles apart. This dream was odd however in that is resembled one of those dreams from last year. Someone (Gaby?) was at my house with me when Jared came and picked me up in a white BMW, I literally jumped in his arms (ha!). You would have thought we were old friends, the way we were talking. So then the three of us went to some store (Target?) , he was shopping and we were discussing various random things, like webcomics! He said the one I liked was lame and I don't even think I cared ... then he was in the fitting room and I gave Gaby a glare and said "Don't do that." As I could tell she was falling for him. Then Stevie showed up, and the four of us hung out and it was incredibly normal and did not feel awkward at all; which is actually more weird.

The more I think about it, the less I remember. That's frustrating. It's particularly odd to me anyway simply because why was HE in my dream? Seriously, I haven't even seen him or talked to him in nearly 6 months; I don't even talk ABOUT him or hardly give him much thought anymore. I think if I could remember more fine details like colors and thing it would make it easy to interpret. It was just interesting to note the lack of psychadelic objects like the neon pink raccoon and the impossible ice rink. This dream was so normal that I was searching online for knitting projects when I thought about it, for a brief second thinking it had happened in reality. :]

In related news, when I obtain enough cash to purchase ... certain squished items, and with some left over, I am determined to purchase the books to fuel my inane desire to learn about dreams. I found an awesome dream dictionary at Half Price Books, but I gave it up to buy "Pretty Persuasion" instead. I also want an instruction book on how to Lucid dream. Hmm ... as I was typing "Lucid Dream" Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds came on my Itunes. Fitting, right? Not only is that little marmalade sky world probably some sort of vision or dream (if not an acid trip), but I like the ring of "Lucid Dream" next to "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds." Similar sounds soothe my soul. Alliteration, Huzzah!

This is the first day of my life

So, this is my first post. Let's see if I'll actually remain loyal to this journal and regularly update it. Why did I start a blog again after failing to keep up with the many I dabbled in in the past? Well, weird chain of events -- I was on the Spiral Diner webpage, found a link to Beautiful Confusion Films and from there found a link to Kat Candler and in turn found a link to "A Few of my Days" by a woman named Stacy in Austin. Stacy's blog really inspired me, because all she did was just share "a few of (her) days" and I was captivated and motivated and inspired to live a life filled with the same plethora of creativity, kindness and passion that shone through her entries. Right now, Austin is looking at the forefront of my college choices and reading her blog showed me just how many opportunities Austin offers as a great place to live. I especially admire her work with the homeless, definitely something I'd want to become involved with. Anyway, if her musings inspired me -- maybe my musings could one day inspire other people? Or at least help me meet some like-minded people. Or if anything, I'll just have a technological archive of all the journal entries I already scrawl in notebooks with my purple ink pens.