It's kind of like with people and the tarot cards

... just because you get the Death card doesn't mean death or dying


I had a really terrible nightmare last night, but the worst part is that it was one of those nightmares that are absolutely terrifying when you are having the actual dream, but when you wake up and try to tell people about it the dream sounds ridiculous.

Here goes:

Myself and eleven other people (from musical, I believe) were hanging out at my house and my parents were not home. Suddenly this guy with a tall hat comes in the room and we all run into the bedrooms on my sister and I's side of the house. Lauren and I go into the bathroom and lock the door. However, the lock is broken and he can easily get in. The other people did not know this and had already come to join us in the bathroom because it is the only door on that side of the house that can lock. The man comes into the bathroom and we all spread out with our backs along the walls. I grab the "safest" spot in the room, behind the door when it is open. Lame hiding spot since obviously he knows we're all in this tiny room, but it was the best I could do. Anyway, he proceeds to threaten us with injection needles that supposedly contain enough insulin to kill us. He stabs a few of my friends in the thigh with the needles, I remember specifically that AK and Billy got stabbed. Eventually everyone got stabbed, but I really don't know who all made up the 12 except for I know that it was at least me, Jazzy, Lauren, Anna, AK, Billy, Josh, and Jordan. Maybe Taylor Dukes was there? Which is strange because I don't even know her ... anyway, Jazzy, Lauren and I are the only ones who manage to not get stabbed so we all wrestle the guy to the floor and take his needles and he leaves. We feel pretty good about ourselves, like we're heroes, until we see all of the bodies of our friends rigidly leaned against the bathroom walls with their eyes especially wide and their mouths gaping open. They look almost doll-like. I start to panic. The three of us pick up AK and Billy and put them on my dining room table, for they are completely stiff as a board. I looked at AK's face and I just freaked out. I was so glad to have survived but I was so heartbroken that so many of my friends were dead. Then I see Jordan lounging on my couch (I thought he was dead!) and I go up to him to freak out. "I thought we had saved them, but everyone is dead! I didn't think he killed them, I thought they were just unconscious! I wish this wasn't real. I wish I were dreaming or something." Jordan could care less; he's as cool as a cucumber. "How do you know you aren't dreaming? This is a dream, you just didn't know it." ... I don't believe him. "What?? No. See, I'll pinch myself!" and I did. "Not a dream! If it were, then AK and Billy wouldn't really be dead!" and then right after, AK and Billy start to stir and wake up while my parents are coming in. My parents chased the needle man off and all is safe, plus all of my friends are not dead. I was very bewildered, but then I woke up.

However, all day today I could not get the image of AK's rigid doll-like corpse and wide eyes out of my head. It's haunting.

I told all my friends about my dream and it just made for a funny conversation, but I felt so terrifed when it was actually happening.

I wonder ... did I achieve some sort of lucidity when I was talking with Jordan? Am I getting closer to lucid dreaming? Also, I wonder what this dream meant. I think the fact that the needles were filled with insulin mattered because before I had fallen asleep I was worried about my eating habits and how I did not want to get cancer or diabetes when I was older because of all the carbs and sugar I eat. I wonder why Lauren and Jazzy were the ones who survived as well as me, and I wonder why Billy and AK were the ones I remember most vividly being killed. Why was it so important that there were 12 of us? Why can I not get that image of AK out of my head?

Recounting the whole thing just creeps me out again.

What is a girl to do?

I've been a little "college crazy" for the past few days. However, I am pleased to say it is NOT a panicky, nerve-ridden anxiety sort of crazy (maybe a little ...) . Most of all, I am just unbelievably excited and very impatient to go to the University of Texas at Austin. The final "at Austin" part is really important, since AUSTIN is the beautiful, artistic, alive place that really solidified my choice of UT. I've been scanning the UT website aaaaaaaaalllll the time, surfing College Confidential chat boards, thinking about dorm decor, looking at the Kerbey Lane website, google map'ing the walking distance between the dorms and Whole Foods -- I. am. obsessed. To probably an embarrassing degree. But I'm just so EXCITED!

^^ ^ This is a picture I took from an observation deck
on the Houston(?) Building at UT during
the summer's honors colloquium!

I've been trying to eat healthier (including a 30-day vegetarian challenge) and I've already lost a few pounds since the beginning of the month. I'm also trying to work on my self-esteem and my relations with my family and other people; and I think I'm doing pretty well. It's still definitely a work in progress, but I'm working my butt off to be in a really peaceful, centered, beautiful place when I arrive in Austin in August. I want to put my best self forward.

That being said, I'm behind on my senior scrapbook for English class, I haven't worked on a script since Christmas, and I am intolerably bored and fed up with my classes and even THEATRE. I love acting, but we're working on musical right now (ugh) so that means hardly any acting, only dancing and prancing around. It's fun, but it's not the same. Also, when it comes to the social organization, I just haven't been doing a great job of planning a lot of events or meetings. It didn't seem logical with exams, Christmas break, and tech week for musical all happening one after the other. Eh. But it's okay though. 18 more weeks 'til graduation.

I've realized this year that out of my very large group of friends, only a small handful are people I really connect with and trust. I'm not upset about this fact, not at all! I think everyone is in the same situation if they really examined it closely. However, because of this I am semi-anti-social (sorry!) and spend a lot of time with my family or just a few certain people. I just feel like all of my peers and I have all grown in different directions and we're just too big for our little terracotta suburban pot! These plants gotta grow somewhere NEW!

... but all in due time, right? And I believe that these next 18 weeks are purposely mundane and dragging in order to give me the time I need to become who I want to be physically, creatively, emotionally, and mentally.

Oh and guess who's back in TEXAS???



Yep. Brooke. =] And I'm looking forward to seeing her. It's been a loooooong time since I've talked to my good friend face to face instead of through letters or packages or blog posts or texts or telephone. Hurray!



I'm in a great mood tonight.

Girls Become Lovers

Because I'm so awful about keeping up with this thing, here's a quick update of what I've been up to ...

• I have been doing a pretty good job of eating healthy since the New Year like I vowed to do. I still can't manage to give up the chocolate, but I'm doing it in smaller portions. Little bits. AND I'm logging it all, so I'm fully accountable for everything I put in my mouth. (Har har har ...)
• I've attempted ONCE AGAIN to learn to knit. It's a little less difficult this time! I swear, by next winter I am determined to be able to actually make something.
• I went on a wonderful craft store binge and bought many beautiful papers, stickers, and clay. Now I just need to make stuff with it all!
• The Florida Gators won the BCS championsip. This is good (and not because I'm a football fan). My father's birthday is today, and if they had lost he would be having a very unhappy birthday.
• I decided that I really shouldn't complain about my job at Target. Why? For one thing, I should be grateful to have ANY job at a time when so many people who support families don't even have one. Also, the last few times I've worked Derek has had me work on new projects that are sort of challening and require an iota of brain power instead of my typical "put stuff on shelves and organize said shelves" routine. It feels good! Finally, Target has always been really accomodating with my schedule, and I'm confident they will give me the hours I ask for this summer.
• I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT GOING TO UT! Last night I talked to a potential roommate on facebook, and it was so exciting! It's happening. Wow. 8 months or so and I will be in Austin attending the University of Texas. I can not wait.

And because I know that was probably not very interesting to read ...

Here is the very talented (and very entertaining) Nick Pitera singing "A Whole New World" from Disney's Aladdin. Yeah, that's right ... he's Princess Jasmine too.

Also ...
Thoughts About the New Pepsi Logo
The Stories Behind 20 Muppet Favorites

Which Francesca Lia Block Character Are You?

and ... THIS shirt is far too cute.

I want it!