'til touchdown brings me 'round again to find

I feel like I've been away on a very, very long trip.

In reality -- it was two days.
In reality -- it was two weeks.
In reality -- it was two months.
In reality -- it was a long time coming.


Two weeks ago I sort of closed off and became very antisocial and very unhappy for a week. Locked myself in my dorm room and spent my time just reading books, and thinking, and talking to God.

The problem lied in the fact that I hadn't been happy for a while. I had felt sort of unfulfilled and lackluster, among other things, when I was in North Richland Hills and I was convinced that coming to Austin was going to fix that. I got here -- temporarily got high on the fumes of spankin' new setting, and then very quickly started to feel the same old melancholy.

So two weeks ago I locked myself in my room for a introspective intervention.

And one week ago I got very, very sick.

I think it was almost like an extension of the healing I was trying to accomplish with the week before. I needed a new start and new change and some sort of organization and focus for myself. I needed to slow down, think about what I was doing, and set forth in the right direction. I got sick and it forced me to chill out and spend a lot of miserable time with myself. It was cathartic to feel terrible, and through the sweating and the sneezing and the coughing and the ear aches I realized that somewhere between leaving North Richland Hills and arriving in Austin I departed very sharply from pursuing a life that I had imagined for myself. Blame it on uncertainty, or a new environment, or lack of hours in the day, or anything .... but the fact of the matter was now I was just as unhappy as when I left, if not more so, and really, I was the only one with the power to fix it.

I went home for the first time this past weekend with this in mind. I was blessed with good timing! I was only going to see Baylor and his show, but was fortunate enough that Michael was in town that weekend (and it was his birthday!), Nick was in town that weekend, and Landon was home from boot camp. I got to see all of them and even more people. For such a whirlwind visit, I spent a lot of meaningful time with the most amazing of people (but not nearly ENOUGH time!).

Being home was nice. Familiar, comfortable, but bittersweet. It was a reminder that childhood really is over and now I'm learning how to be an adult. I have never felt more grateful for my parents, and so blessed to have such great friends and family.


"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams; live the life you have imagined." - Henry David Thoreau

I saw that quote on my jewelry box today; I'm excited to start living that life I've imagined.