On the sea-drift sun

Weird weird weird feelings right now. I'm not really sure if it's contentment or dissatisfaction. Ha? Happiness or inadequacy? You would think I would know.

I think what it comes down to, in simple terms is this:

I look around and I see that things are flawed, imperfect, unhappy, not good enough, just not totally peachy -- but somehow despite all of this I feel an overwhelming sense of contentment that everything is actually okay. And more than that, even despite everything it seems to be nice. Right, maybe? At least right for right now.

Fall Show opens tomorrow. I'm glad we run two weekends, it will drag the process out longer. I can't believe this is my last fall show. Man. It is truly unbelievable. I can't fathom that I'm a senior in high school and childhood is ending. ... but that's a whole other ball of wax best saved for another entry of its own.

Not everything is swell. I feel lonely, and misunderstood, and creatively stalled, and self-conscious, and unsatisfied about various things like friend drama, insecurities, falling short of my goals, etc. But, when I look around and see the things that are so great, like having a really great AK or having fun on stage and truly loving my cast members or reading good books or having a beautiful family and an inspiring amazing sister and being relatively healthy, and having the whole world in front of me ....

It seems okay. Everything seems to be alright. Everything is temporary, the good and the bad. And that's okay. We just keep rollin' along.

I wanted to write tonight to be able to express more clearly this feeling ... and I've found that instead I'm just talking in disjointed gab and vague allusions. I don't think I'm really hiding anything or avoiding something specific, maybe a little, but for the most part ... I just think it's hard to explain this feeling.

Like defeat/acceptance/hope/contentment/optimism/happiness?

I know. I know. Doesn't make sense.

Right now out there someone's feeling down on themself and don't know why

Okay, so ... I don't really know how to explain what this list is, despite the title. I read an interesting article on a self help blog about the same thing and basically ... you make a list of things you believe to be true (may or may not be) but you wish you never learned. It sounds really negative, and the deeply set truths you will learn that you hold can be really discouraging. However -- by putting them in a list, you can examine them more easily and learn that many of them aren't true at all. They are just negative falsities that you've convinced yourself to believe.

I did my list last night. I didn't create it with the intention to find something profound or point out my negative thoughts. I wrote it without censoring myself and I wrote the first things that came to my mind without a lull, and I got this list of 12 things. Some are superficial and don't have anything to do with self-improvement, but I don't think that was the point of the exercise. It supposed to be really foolish truths, like ... un-true truths. I don't know if that makes since. I just know that looking back and reading this I feel like a whiny pessimistic shallow person, and I swear I'm not. At least I try not to be. Its a list of things I have learned that I thought were true until I put them on paper and realized they didn't necessarily have to be! (Except for Elton John, because he was sort of rude to Matt Laurer and Matt is really cool, so homie don't play that.)

That being said, I have no idea what the point was. It just felt cathartic.

Enough rambling.


12 THINGS I WISH I HAD NEVER LEARNED

1. I wish I had never learned that Hollywood hates people that are bigger than a twig.
2. I wish I had never learned that in high school you are the prettiest you will ever be and it’s all downhill from here.
3. I wish I had never learned that despite all your best efforts, you can not change people’s opinions of you.
4. I wish I had never learned that Diet Coke can cause cancer.
5. I wish I had never learned that romance doesn’t last forever.
6. I wish I had never learned that people really are superficial.
7. I wish I had never learned that my sister doesn’t believe in God.
8. I wish I had never learned that Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny aren’t real.
9. I wish I had never learned that there are probably a million other girls just like me who think they are special and unique just like me.
10. I wish I had never learned that I am plain and yeah...
11. I wish I had never learned that I have a wrinkle on my forehead from sun damage from Freshman year.
12. I wish I had never learned that Elton John is a diva asshole.


I promise this wasn't meant to be negative. I'm cleansing, this is my dust bin. And some of them don't make sense. I'm sorry.

I loved you before I met you ...

I can't wait to LOVE. I can't wait to tell you about how I like the way your face is crooked and how you have the most precious smile and I love your sense of humor and your choice of clothes. I can't wait to take care of you when you're sick and give you massages. I can't wait to leave you little notes that just say hi, or draw little doodles for you. I can't wait to do things for you that only a girl can do, like decorate a package for your mom's birthday or help you shop for your little sister. I can't wait to smell your smell, and tease you and joke around with you. I can't wait to be your friend. I can't wait to play in arcades with you. I can't wait for you to do something embarrassing in front of me, so I can show you how much I still care about you despite that. I can't wait to stay up all night talking to you. I can't wait to sit by a Christmas tree with you. I can't wait to wear a Halloween costume for you. I can't wait to go on walks with you. I can't wait for you to see me in a play. I can't wait to cook for you. I can't wait to make little crafts for you. I can't wait to do thoughtful things for you. I can't wait to daydream about you. I can't wait to make out in a bounce house with you. I can't wait to go to a terrible, ugly, disgusting carnival with you. I can't wait to sit in snow with you. I can't wait to let you see me in gross pajamas and have you still think I'm beautiful. I can't wait to ride in a shopping cart as you push me. I can't wait to feel beautiful and sexy again. I can't wait to put on perfume for someone again. I can't wait to go on adventures with you. I can't wait to survive the mosh pits of concerts with you. I can't wait to cuddle with you. I can't wait to show you off to my friends. I can't wait to play board games and card games with you. I can't wait to take silly pictures with you. I can't wait to go to IHOP with you at 4 in the morning. I can't wait to watch old cartoons and game shows with you. I can't wait to double date with you with Dayna and Ewan. I can't wait to be held by you. I can't wait to rest my head on your shoulder. I can't wait to have you rest your head in my lap. I can't wait for you to pet my hair. I can't wait for you to make fun of me and tease me. I can't wait for you to meet my friends and hang out with them. I can't wait for you to take care of me when I am sad. I can't wait to be able to help you with anything I can. I can't wait to go out with you while wearing funny clothes and wigs. I can't wait to introduce you to my sister and her boyfriend. I can't wait to meet your family. I can't wait to talk about politics with you. I can't wait to do little arts and crafts projects with you. I can't wait to swing on the swing set with you. I can't wait to go swimming with you. I can't wait to bake you cupcakes. I can't wait to write you lame joke poetry. I can't wait to miss you. I can't wait to fight with you, but still make it through. I can't wait to kiss you. I can't wait to hug you. I can't wait to hold your hand. I can't wait to want you. I can't wait to be wanted by you. I can't wait to love again.