Weird weird weird feelings right now. I'm not really sure if it's contentment or dissatisfaction. Ha? Happiness or inadequacy? You would think I would know.
I think what it comes down to, in simple terms is this:
I look around and I see that things are flawed, imperfect, unhappy, not good enough, just not totally peachy -- but somehow despite all of this I feel an overwhelming sense of contentment that everything is actually okay. And more than that, even despite everything it seems to be nice. Right, maybe? At least right for right now.
Fall Show opens tomorrow. I'm glad we run two weekends, it will drag the process out longer. I can't believe this is my last fall show. Man. It is truly unbelievable. I can't fathom that I'm a senior in high school and childhood is ending. ... but that's a whole other ball of wax best saved for another entry of its own.
Not everything is swell. I feel lonely, and misunderstood, and creatively stalled, and self-conscious, and unsatisfied about various things like friend drama, insecurities, falling short of my goals, etc. But, when I look around and see the things that are so great, like having a really great AK or having fun on stage and truly loving my cast members or reading good books or having a beautiful family and an inspiring amazing sister and being relatively healthy, and having the whole world in front of me ....
It seems okay. Everything seems to be alright. Everything is temporary, the good and the bad. And that's okay. We just keep rollin' along.
I wanted to write tonight to be able to express more clearly this feeling ... and I've found that instead I'm just talking in disjointed gab and vague allusions. I don't think I'm really hiding anything or avoiding something specific, maybe a little, but for the most part ... I just think it's hard to explain this feeling.
Like defeat/acceptance/hope/contentment/optimism/happiness?
I know. I know. Doesn't make sense.
2 comments:
wow! no, i wish i was cool enough to develop a tracking system (haha!) but I have NOO idea how to do that. i know i can track IP addresses, but honestly if my readers want to be anonymous, then they can be.
i actually saw your comment on disasterville and thought it was humorous. i clicked the link of your name and saw your lovely blog.
i'm kind of a comment junkie, can't resist! and when you mentioned elton john - awwwz.
i'm glad you like mine! i like yours as well.
<33 mermie
Fun pic!
...I think you are feeling JOY...contentment! Happiness so temporary, joy is eternal...yay!
~Hope you have a lovely joyful new week dear* ;)
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