I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here?

Yesterday was a good, good day.

I went and saw "The Princess and the Frog" with AK. Holy chapstick -- it was awesome. It was old-fashioned Disney story, style, and animation. No bullshit anthromorphic live-action dogs and rodents or bad cameos by Tim Allen and The Rock. Just beautiful watercolor backdrops, a lively jazz score by Randy Newman, clever writing, and wonderfully drawn characters. I loved it. Plus, Prince Naveen was super attractive. (Is that weird? Finding a cartoon sexy?) I couldn't have gone with anyone better, either. AK appreciates animated movies like no other.

The evening was nice. Sat by the Christmas tree with my Dad and Grandma. Ate some delish guacamole and bean tacos and watched "The Sing Off". Yes, that show is awful and kind of lame. I feel ya. However, I have a weak spot for show choirs, Ben Folds, and oldies covers. So I've been watching it since Monday. My dad really likes it, so its fun to watch together. Personally, I'm rooting for the Beelzebubs. Super talented and super cute!

The night? Magnifico. Elizabeth and I went to Starbucks until they closed where we migrated to IHOP. Talked about basically everything, or at least everything important. I'm glad she agrees -- it would have been super hot if Mr. Schue had hit Terri on the Glee finalé. Elizabeth's a pretty interesting and inspiring person. She feeds my creativity and helps me to remember the blessing of being abnormal.

Today? Watched Jeopardy and made chocolate coconut oatmeal raisin cookies with my grandma. Good day!

Post title from "Creep" by Radiohead

You're My Favorite Flavor

Yesterday was a good day.

I woke up early and repacked the purple suitcase I had just recently unpacked and got on I-35 and headed back to Austin.

My Mom took me, Kelly, Becky, and Ariel to lunch at Threadgill's. Good food! It was a lot of fun, I'm glad my mom got to meet some of my favorite people!

Then I spent the afternoon slaving over a course catalog, selecting any and every course that looked interesting in order to come up with some sort of idea of my Liberal Arts Honor major I'm designing. More info on that later.

In the evening, I had my interview for Students of the World. I really want this internship. The opportunity to travel the globe to do humanitarian aid work and make a documentary?? Yes please!! We'll find out later about that ...



Then, finally, myself, Becky, Ariel, and Kelly made holiday cupcakes! The San Jac kitchen is so much nicer than the Jester one. It makes baking so much more fun when you aren't worried about picking up botulism from the counter tops!

Jackie joined us for a little bit, that was fun. Icing the cupcakes, licking spoons, and Christmas music made for a very wonderful night. We also made an official Moore-Hill cupcake alert group on Facebook, haha. My official title? Suga Momma.

Anyway, now I am off to a J2 Marathon lunch with wonderful company!

Post title from "Playground Love" by Air

So Pack Up the Bags to Beat Back the Clock

I'm home for the holidays.

But I sort of wish I was still in Austin. Ever since I got back from Thanksgiving I was so excited to come back to North Richland Hills and see my high school friends and be with my family, run in the nature center, drive the loop with Michael, drink hot cocoa by my fireplace and Christmas tree, and just generally be homey and content.

I know, this is a typical case of have-cake-eat-it-too buuuut let me explain.

Here in North Richland Hills/Hurst/Fort Worth area I established a cozy little life for myself, especially near the end. I've know a bunch of really interesting, fun people and I have a handful of beautiful, loyal friends. However, I wasn't too sad to leave here to venture off to Austin this past August. I felt like a hibiscus bush wedged into a plastic potter -- and would most definitely cease to grow or thrive if kept contained.

So I got to Austin. At first, it was terrible, awful, difficult to adjust to. Then things started getting better as I learned my way around the city, embraced the Austin culture as my own, fell in love with the world of academia, and started to meet some generally good people. Neither here nor there, I was disillusioned and a tad disappointed because of the astronomical expectations I had but still happy that I was growing and enjoying life for the most part.

In the middle of November, I reached a definite turning point. AK and I had a conversation that motivated me and made me realize that I am surrounded by meaning, and by people who could become very meaningful to me if I made the choice to open myself up to them. With this revelation, I stopped looking for what I thought Austin was "supposed" to offer, and stopped fearing rejection, judgment, or intimacy. I regret not letting go of this weird social inhibition earlier because I feel like I started to make some really amazing friends in Madrigal, but unfortunately, not until the actual run of the show. But I did manage to very swiftly solidify the bonds with my Moore-Hill friends -- especially Kelly and Becky. My favorite girls.

The last few days have been especially fun filled and abound with camaraderie that makes me feel all warm'n'fuzzy inside. (Moore-Hill Thanksgiving, GLEE, That 70s Show in excess, S'mores Girls' Night, Sitcom-esque calamties, Screwdrivers resulting from such calamities, shooting a funny little film, celebrating Hunter Lawerence, parties @ Swegler's ...)

And that's what makes it particularly hard now to be home.

I'm happy with the life I left when I went to Austin and knew I could always be content to come back to it and visit for a while, slip into the skin of my high-school self and revisit all the old places and people but with a slightly refocused lens.

But I didn't count on feeling so attached to my life in Austin that leaving it even for just 6 weeks would be so painful. I can't quite register that my friends in Austin have no idea who my friends in Fort Worth are, and I can't quite accept that I won't have two-second access to my UT friends anytime I want a companion to eat lunch with or just feel like barging in to blather on randomly.

Basically -- I'm so freakin' excited to see my Fort Worth friends, but I had no idea I'd miss my Austin friends this badly.

I'm going to use this break constructively though. I want to work on my discipline, inner peace, self-confidence, writing, self-expression, body and mind. I'm going to try and fall into an enjoyable routine, write everyday, brainstorm new ideas for next semester, attempt to get my chaos of a life in some kind of order, see old friends, see new friends (Kelly, Becky, Ariel, and John all live in DFW!), introduce old friends to new friends, relish the time with my family, and most importantly get some sort of grip on this chaos called young adulthood -- filled with internships, housing choices, degree plans, and *gasp* career choice. Good gravy.

Post title from "West Coast" by Coconut Records

I got a pencil full of lead

So ... I really want to make this blog thing work. Two of my best friends have started blogging (Juan and Elizabeth!) and I think knowing that I will at least have an audience of two gives me more motivation to keep this up. Plus, practically anyone wanting a career in the media realm these days needs a blog. It's about as essential as a resumé these days. Also, I think it's a nice forum to share the things I love about Austin and to elaborate on the quirky little adventures I encounter. And most importantly, blogging is a good form of self-expression; by putting the little critical paranoid hyperspeed voice in my head on paper and getting some feedback, whether it be advice, empathy, or acknowledgment, at least it's out of my head and on a page! Anyway, this post obviously ain't so hot. It's a post ... about posting. Wow. I'll get better. I'll post more often and I'll post more meaningful/exciting/interesting/intelligent blog posts. I promise!

Post title from: Paolo Nutini's "Pencil Full of Lead"

'til touchdown brings me 'round again to find

I feel like I've been away on a very, very long trip.

In reality -- it was two days.
In reality -- it was two weeks.
In reality -- it was two months.
In reality -- it was a long time coming.


Two weeks ago I sort of closed off and became very antisocial and very unhappy for a week. Locked myself in my dorm room and spent my time just reading books, and thinking, and talking to God.

The problem lied in the fact that I hadn't been happy for a while. I had felt sort of unfulfilled and lackluster, among other things, when I was in North Richland Hills and I was convinced that coming to Austin was going to fix that. I got here -- temporarily got high on the fumes of spankin' new setting, and then very quickly started to feel the same old melancholy.

So two weeks ago I locked myself in my room for a introspective intervention.

And one week ago I got very, very sick.

I think it was almost like an extension of the healing I was trying to accomplish with the week before. I needed a new start and new change and some sort of organization and focus for myself. I needed to slow down, think about what I was doing, and set forth in the right direction. I got sick and it forced me to chill out and spend a lot of miserable time with myself. It was cathartic to feel terrible, and through the sweating and the sneezing and the coughing and the ear aches I realized that somewhere between leaving North Richland Hills and arriving in Austin I departed very sharply from pursuing a life that I had imagined for myself. Blame it on uncertainty, or a new environment, or lack of hours in the day, or anything .... but the fact of the matter was now I was just as unhappy as when I left, if not more so, and really, I was the only one with the power to fix it.

I went home for the first time this past weekend with this in mind. I was blessed with good timing! I was only going to see Baylor and his show, but was fortunate enough that Michael was in town that weekend (and it was his birthday!), Nick was in town that weekend, and Landon was home from boot camp. I got to see all of them and even more people. For such a whirlwind visit, I spent a lot of meaningful time with the most amazing of people (but not nearly ENOUGH time!).

Being home was nice. Familiar, comfortable, but bittersweet. It was a reminder that childhood really is over and now I'm learning how to be an adult. I have never felt more grateful for my parents, and so blessed to have such great friends and family.


"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams; live the life you have imagined." - Henry David Thoreau

I saw that quote on my jewelry box today; I'm excited to start living that life I've imagined.

May the good lord be with you down every road you roam

.. And may sunshine and happiness surround you when you're far from home. And may you grow to be proud, dignified, and true and do unto others you'd have done to you. Be courageous and be brave, and in my heart you'll always stay forever young.

This was an essay I just finished writing for a scholarship my dad found for me to apply to. Enjoy.

State your future goals/aspirations as they relate to your career and education objectives.

I am choosing to pursue a Bachelor of Science from the University of Texas at Austin in Film because I aspire to use art and media to inspire thought. My sophomore year of high school, I saw a documentary called “Invisible Children” that documented the struggles of kidnapped child soldiers in the Sudanese civil war. Produced by college students, the film was modern, entertaining, and relatable for a young audience. The subject matter was shocking and really touched me. Influenced by the film, I created my own service organization at my high school to raise funds for the cause. One day, with my collegiate training, I will travel the world to underprivileged societies and to areas of underpublicized human rights crises and create documentary films that will educate the civilized world of the struggles much of humanity is facing, in hopes that they will be inspired to act and assist. With my film degree, I also aspire to create narrative films that are whimsical and character-driven, with a deep sense of humanity to the core. I aspire to tackle topical issues like mental illness, self-image, discrimination, human weakness, and existentialism using historical allegory, animation, puppetry, music, and more. Film is the art of story-telling but with unlimited artistic resources to tell that story. I will use my education to obtain the technical skills in order to execute my creative vision and create films that inspire people to more closely examine the ways in which they lead their lives. Because of the all-encompassing artistic nature of film, I aspire to work in a menagerie of artistic fields, using the technical skills of storyboarding, production, or screen writing to also work as a cartoonist, digital media artist, and author. Although ambitious, this task will not be impossible for all of these vocations will be small facets of my career as a auteur, an artist who is responsible for every facet of his film. Film is inspiring because of its story-telling nature. The audience is privileged enough to watch a human as he experiences life and is changed by those experiences. I aspire to act in some of my films some day, as well. The human condition is fascinating, and acting is another art form I can use to influence and inspire. I have experienced much great art in my lifetime thus far. Art that is great is not only art that will make you smile, but art that will make you panic, make you sob, and most importantly, make you think. I aspire to inspire.

Post title from "Forever Young" by Bob Dylan

Keep telling myself it that won't take long till I'm free of my disease

I feel very down lately. Its almost been a year since I cried on a bed in Jester Center at UT Honors Colloquium because I wasn't the person I wanted to be. Now, I am closer to being that person. However, with only 51 days until my 18th birthday and one-year anniversary of the decision to pursue my better self, I'm not close enough to be happy. I should be happy with my progress but I wanted to achieve MORE.

Maybe my goals are petty.

- Obtain a more unique, creative wardrobe
- Finish accutane, *hopefully* have beautiful skin
- Weigh 128 lbs
- Play a musical instrument (working on the ukulele!)
- Finish a screenplay. (I feel particularly shitty about this one.)
- Become a crafter (I haven't even finished knitting one scarf!)

Basically, I don't know where the time went. I achieved a lot this year but, damn it. I feel like I failed somewhere. I doubt I have the time to achieve the rest of those goals by July 25, at the latest, August 15. I want to be the most perfect me when I go to Austin in the fall and right now I'm having one of those moments/days/phases where I just am lacking the confidence and optimism to sprint the final leg.

Blah.

I need to exercise: patience, self-discipline, perseverance, confidence, optimism, and dedication.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, YES. I can do this.

Pleeeeeeeeeease.

Post title from Matchbox 20's "Disease"

As we go on, we remember ...

It's been a while since I've updated, unfortunately. I've beens uper busy with school winding down and all the obligatory events that come with graduating from high school. I had a pretty amazing final theatre banquet (each year they just get better and better!), went to my first and final prom (underwhelming), won a new Canon Powershot Digital Camera at Project Celebration (thanks Nick and Baylor!), practiced my Texas Hold'em Skills, met the famous TV actor Ben Mackenzie (inspiring experience!), finished my senior scrapbook. attended a banquet other than my own as a date for the first time (Choir with Busby!), finally opened my own checking/savings account (I have a World Wildlife Fund Wolf portrait on my debit card!), and ordered my brand new MacBook Pro (completely decked out and upgraded!).

This senior year ...

I've recieved some really beautiful compliments. I've learned the importance of balance and practiced its execution in a way I've never been capable of doing before. I've developped a better sense of self-confidence, and a renewed belief that I will achieve all of my extremely large dreams. I've dealt with rejection and disappointment. I've learned new things about myself. I've cultivated a love and appreciation for poetry. I am super excited about my future.

I know this entry was too vague and too unorganized, but now that school is over I hope to take the time ON MY NEW MACBOOK PRO to elaborate on all the amazing things I've just sort of brushed over in these past few entries. I'm looking forward to a summer of relaxation, making money, spending time with friends, travelling, and improving myself and my skills. I want to put my best self forward when I move to Austin in less than three months.

Post title from "Graduation" by Vitamin C. =] Old school!

Off the pillow and into the air

Wow -- so a lot has happened and I don't really know where to start. So ... as uninteresting as this is ... here's a blanket list:

- Blood Wedding got disqualified at Area. Heartbreak ensued. Merg.
- Ukulele came in the mail, been practicing like crazy! So great!
- Africa concert = mild success. I was overwhelmed by the fact I have so many crazy-talented friends, raised about $100. Not too bad.
- Started the Accutane precription. Blah. Thus, I've been using a lot of special shampoo, lip gloss, and lotion. It's not too bad yet and I believe I'll bet left with porcelain skin, but still its a trifle inconvenient and I feel sort of vain for taking pills for a cosmetic reason when I don't even take medicine when I'm sick! =/
- Saw a groovy, sensual version of one of my favorite plays "A Mid-Summer Night's Dream". 'Twas extraordinary.
- Partook in some pretty epic conversations with some really amazing people.
- I've been working on banquet and AP test stuff
- Went on UIL Academic Regionals trip for Literary Criticism. I was blessed with the most godly of tests (a question about RENT? analysis over a poem I've written about all year??) Basically, this test was MADE for me. However, we didn't advance to state. However, the trip was still fun.
- On said trip, had one of those wonderful epic conversations as previously mentioned with a truly wise person.
- It's been raining and overcast a lot. I really like that.
- I've been spending BEAUCOUP DE TEMPS at Roots coffee house. Anyone been there yet? It's really nifty. The baristas are kind, the music is killer, and the atmosphere is perfectly condusive to writing poetry and song lyrics.
- Oh yeah, I've been writing a lot of poetry and song lyrics.
- Bought a prom dress. For $20. From Earthbound. -- Yes, a tad unconventional, but so am I!
- I went to the Renaissance festival! DUDE. IT WAS SO FUN. I need to go back and purchase all the things I passed by. (hello, raspberry beret!) Boy, do I regret not shopping more.
- Encountered a very strange coincidence. But, I do not believe in coincidence, so it must be meant to be!
- Saw some cool movies (Earth & Wolverine) with some equally cool people.
- Drove a gimungous SUV. Big change from my tiny purple car.
- Made homemade pizza!
- Went to a party ;]
- Changed a headlight by myself!
- I've been working a lot on directing my Studio Fest show, "The Effect of Gamma Rays on Man-in-the-Moon Marigolds". My cast is splendid and so easy to love. We're making tie-dye show shirts this week!
- Praying school does not get cancelled due to Swine Flu Freak Out. I really have too much to do, including AP test and banquet to get those things delayed!
- Caught a cold -- paranoia in me worried about Swine Flu. Realized it was dumb and got over it 5 days later. Yay for a good immune system. =]
- This week was TAKS week! Basically, second spring break! I spent a lot of time with friends. It was good.
- Learned a lot about myself, surprisingly.
- Talked to my dad for a good 3 hours. It was spontaneous and unplanned and happened at 11 pm until 2 am on a Wednesday night. About everything. About life. About the past. About the future. I cried a lot, but it was cathartic.
- Headed Thespian Induction. It was fun to dress up as a dominatrix and pretend to be mean. ;] But everyone said I sucked at being intimidating because I smiled when I was trying to yell. Haha!


Wow. What a busy springtime! And that's only been the past month!

I'm sorry this wasn't more descriptive, but I'm really not sure who reads this anyway.

I leave you with pictures of Scarborough Faire:

The raspberry beret I didn't buy. =[ & Oh my Gosh, the nun is playing a ukulele!


Beautiful scents. I love all aesthetic and sensual pleasures to an absurd degree.

The girlies. AK, Bethany, Me, Libby. It was an amazing day.

Post title from "My Metrocard" by Le Tigre

I only want it to begin

So ... I've been doing this show, Blood Wedding. For those of you unfamiliar with Texas and UIL, etc .. it's our "University Interscholastic League One Act Play Competition" (aka UIL OAP) piece. UIL is just a big competition in Texas for everything from academics to athletics to art. Anyway, there are 5 rounds in UIL OAP (Zone, District, Area, Region, State) and after tonight, we have advanced to Area! (Basically, we've won either first or second place in two competitions.) At these competitions, I won individual awards as well. At Zone I won Honorable Mention All Star Cast (basically like Bronze) and tonight at District I won All Star Cast (like Silver). Oh, and I play "The Mother" by the way... if you are one of those people who actually read the Wikipedia article. haha. It's a good, intensive role. She's bitter, hurt, optimistic, protective, cynical, heartbroken, passionate, and loving. All at the same time. Ha. I have fun with it.

Me, AK, and Bethany in front of the awesome door Aledo made us for our dressing room.
Notice my awesome "skunk hair."

Blah. I don't know if all that typing and red tape explaining was worth the excitement ... but basically, we're going on to Area which is farther than any of us in the cast has ever been and we're really excited!

I have especially enjoyed the conversations I've fallen into on both the bus rides home these past two competitions. Sam and Garrett are awesome people and I'm glad we've become friends this year. I've like ... known them for a while, but I just never really talked to them, like REALLY talked to them until this year. Don't know why I never made the effort, but whatever, I'm glad I got to get to know them before we all move away in August. Cool people. Good conversation -- that's refreshing.

Oh, and also I had a conversation with Nick in BCIS yesterday, and then tonight on the bus Garrett and Sam and I had a similar conversation, all about how sometimes a nice, easy, casual pleasant relationship can be really comforting. Like, maybe not every relationship has to be a potential "forever" thing. And maybe, if it grows into that -- cool. But most of the time, it won't and that's okay too. I said that life is just all about experiencing things, including experiencing people. I believe it is possible to be in a relationship and let it run its course and then let it end when it's time to move on because of timing, or growth, or just because that chapter is over. And hopefully, if the relationship didn't turn bitter or someone didn't get hurt, maybe both parties can just walk away from the experience and look fondly on it. You can still care about a person even if the way in which you care about them is different today then it was the day before. See: High Fidelity. It's a good film, I think it sort of touches on that subject.

Anyhow, driving home tonight I put this on my ipod, Begin by Ben Lee. It's fitting with the theme.

Begin by Ben Lee

I'm walking down Broadway
Each foot step is a new love letter
I'm trying to make eye contact
With each and every stranger that I pass
Thinking about the city
It's living proof people need to be together
I'm thinking about how I just want to open up
And give and give and give
And it's ok for you to care
Cause I can feel you in the air
And while you wonder "how's this gonna end?"
I only want it to begin

I'm thinking about desire
I've had to learn how to sin successfully
I'm thinking about bliss
And bliss is all dressed up
And there's no one to dance with
Remembering her smile and the nuclear bomb
And the reasons I loved her
Walking through Central Park
I'm in a foriegn country and I'm waiting for a sign
That it's ok for you to care
Cause I'm not going anywhere
And while you wonder if you should let me in
I only want it to begin

I'm still singing
Twisting new melodies, breaking arrangements
Thinking about my heart
I guess you've heard, sometimes it's heavy
But I just keep moving
When I hit a wall, I look up at the sky
I'm thinking about my maker
In spite of all this I know she won't give up on me
And its ok for you to care
Cause I can taste you everywhere
While it's true
All straight things must bend
I only want it to begin

Some impressions stay and some will fade

The problem with blogging is that anyone can read it, ya know? I don't have a problem with million of anonymous internet users outside of my monkeysphere reading anything and everything I write. I think that's actually sort of nifty. It's just the idea of people I know from school but aren't particularly close with, or relatives that don't really know me ... things like that. It's not as if I have terribly raunchy or cruel things to say, its just some of it could seem over sentimental or just obsessive or something. I don't know. There's just potential for embarrassment.

Anyhow, unrelated shift of topic ...

New York = amazing.

^ The view from our hotel. See the crowd of people?
That was the beginning of the epic line for Top Model Auditions!

I had so much fun. I'd been once before but you can go to NYC a million times and still have never done anything twice. We did all the tourist-y things one feels obligated to do when visiting the city, but I think the most fun I had was hanging out with my friends.

When I wanted to shop or feed off the exuberant energy only emitted by a gay man at a Broadway musical, I'd hang out with the theatre girls and Juan. However, when I just wanted to sort of not be right in the middle of the "giggle-shriek-take-a-million-pictures-LYKEOMG!" of it all ... I hung out with Garrett, Sam, Jordan and Michael. Which I thought may have turned out a little weird because I didn't want to impede on their "man time" or whatever ... and also because of those 4 Michael is really the only one that I'm close friends with or even really friends with at all before this year. (Another topic to also be discussed later!) Anyhow, I had a lot of fun with aforementioned boys. Won't go into detail. Most of it wouldn't be exciting to blog about anyway, but oh the times that WERE exciting ... well, that's another story entirely. haha!

But strangely enough, the best part of hanging around four guys for four days straight practically was just talking with them. They are all pretty nifty and unique people, and since I'm highly fascinated by the capricious nature of the male psyche anyway, it was a interesting experience. I feel like I got to know Sam, Garrett and Jordan better and what I learned surprised me. They are cool people.

^ Nice dinner at Carmine's (yum) L to R, Garrett (not looking at camera) Jordan (looking blank) Michael (looking bored) Kayla (looking plastic-y?) and Sam (looking surprised). Yeah ... we're way cool.

I think people tend to always surprise us, after we get to know them. I think often people's first impressions are necessarily the impressions they made on us as much as the impressions we assigned to them upon meeting them.



In other news ... I came home to find my purple walls painted and all of my stuff moved out of my room, except for my closet. My bathroom also got cleared out, which although is slightly inconvenient was actually was awesome because that means I'll never have to clean it again. Ever. Score. So ... now I'm sleeping on the couch or sometimes the floor and I sort of just pile all my junk on my New York suitcases in the living room. It's okay, though. I'm not a big material item person. I really just need my computer for music and facebook (I hate that I'm addicted), my journal, and just like ... deodorant and contact solution and necessities like that. But the good thing about all of this is that this means we are actually in the process of getting our house ready to sell, which is totally fine with me. That just means I'm getting closer to moving to Austin!

wow.

I still have so much to write about. But really, if I wrote anymore tonight I'd be kidding myself that someone would actually read the whole thing. I wonder if people actually do read this ... I sort of want to pull a "Me & You & Everyone We Know" and be like ...

"If you actually read my blog, leave a comment that says MACARONI!"

Post title from "This is Not Your Year" by The Weepies

Turn around, turn the volume down, we're counting the days down!

I won my first scholarship (not counting the stuff from National Merit and UT) ... Remember that interview I wrote about?

Woo! $1500 from Impossible Possibilities!


Today was a long day. Good though. More details later. I'm going to go eat a (super yummy Market Street) salad. It's 8 pm and all I've put in my mouth today was a Chai Latte, I'm staaaaarving!

Post title from "Video" by Ben Folds Five

Some are seeking and searching like me, moi

I've been reading "The Secret" lately. I like what it has to say about how each of us is responsible for creating our own lives and everyone can indeed have EVERYTHING they want. We don't need to feel guilty or as though there is a limited amount of happiness. Perfect lives are a limitless supply and all we have to do is be creative and positive to make them a reality. It's all about being grateful, and living as though you already possess the life you want.

I find that this philosophy goes fittingly with my favorite quote and personal mantra:

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams; Live the life you have imagined." - Henry David Thoreau

It's discouraging sometimes though because when you adopt some new way of thinking like this, you anxiously anticipate the positive results and become discouraged when you don't get instant gratification. But, I'd be lying if I didn't say I've gotten some pretty good results already. (Maybe not EVERYTHING I wanted, but that probably requires more patience.)

Read "The Secret". I don't intend to throw away all my beliefs because of one book phenomenon, but it was definitley something that made me think and has had a positive influence on my life. I had no idea how often I dwelled on negative emotions and obsessed about everything I DIDN'T want in life until I read it.

Post title from "Dirty Harry" by Gorillaz

Here They Sang About Tomorrow

I am going to try to become more organized and diligent about updating this thing. I know, I know, that's what EVERY pseudo-blogger claims but honestly I want to be better with this thing. That being said, I am going to make some improvements:

1. Utilize paragraph breaks more effectively so people actually WANT to read what I'm writing instead of being discouraged by giant, long blocks of text.
   
2. Put what song the lyrics that I use for the title are from. That way you get a little taste of my iTunes library. (I'm warning you, I listen to some LAME music!)
3. Don't self-edit and censor so much. Don't worry about anyone reading it or liking it, etc. Just ... write. At the least, I'll have the posts to look back on in nostalgia.

---

Today I had an interview for the Impossible Possibilities scholarship. It was sort of a nice Sunday jaunt to downtown Fort Worth, which is a lovely place even if your just walking through. The interview was in the very classy Worthington building with these two brothers who starting the organization. It was a little nerve-wracking because I didn't have really great answers to some of the things they asked. I feel guilty for never having had a real "childhood crisis" or "tragic obstacle" to have overcome. Boring, suburban middle-class life does not make for a good scholarship interview! I jest, of course. However, I really felt great about talking to Mr. and Mr. Hernandez because they had so many AMAZING things to stay about Austin.

"Austin is the best melting pot of creative and talented people in the whole country!"

"It's the kind of place that whenever you visit, you just want to set your bags down and never leave."

And these men didn't even go to school there are grow up there! They're unbaised! So, yes, I am very excited to go to Austin. Also, although I was the one being interviewed, the brothers had great things to say about pursuing your dreams despite the skepticism of others (He didn't think acting was a superficial profession!) , how passion is the key to standing out and creating your own success, and how the people you surround yourself with are vital in creating the best environment to thrive in.

So do I think I got the scholarship? I really don't know. It was my first interview and I could have performed better. However, I am immensely grateful for the experience I had this afternoon and how just 30 minutes with those men had an amazing impact on me. I am even more excited for university now!

In other news ...

• AP Mock Economics Exam is coming up. I plan on skipping it and getting my hair cut instead.
• I've started watching "Sex and the City" from the beginning of the series.
• Brooke and I are trying to exercise and eat healthy!
• I miss my sister.
• I have a great coffee shop story to tell! (Perhaps in the next entry)
• I'm learning to play the piano!
• Expect poetry posted on here soon.
• 12 DAYS UNTIL NEW YORK CITY!

Post title : "Empty Chairs at Empty Tables" from Les Miserables

It's kind of like with people and the tarot cards

... just because you get the Death card doesn't mean death or dying


I had a really terrible nightmare last night, but the worst part is that it was one of those nightmares that are absolutely terrifying when you are having the actual dream, but when you wake up and try to tell people about it the dream sounds ridiculous.

Here goes:

Myself and eleven other people (from musical, I believe) were hanging out at my house and my parents were not home. Suddenly this guy with a tall hat comes in the room and we all run into the bedrooms on my sister and I's side of the house. Lauren and I go into the bathroom and lock the door. However, the lock is broken and he can easily get in. The other people did not know this and had already come to join us in the bathroom because it is the only door on that side of the house that can lock. The man comes into the bathroom and we all spread out with our backs along the walls. I grab the "safest" spot in the room, behind the door when it is open. Lame hiding spot since obviously he knows we're all in this tiny room, but it was the best I could do. Anyway, he proceeds to threaten us with injection needles that supposedly contain enough insulin to kill us. He stabs a few of my friends in the thigh with the needles, I remember specifically that AK and Billy got stabbed. Eventually everyone got stabbed, but I really don't know who all made up the 12 except for I know that it was at least me, Jazzy, Lauren, Anna, AK, Billy, Josh, and Jordan. Maybe Taylor Dukes was there? Which is strange because I don't even know her ... anyway, Jazzy, Lauren and I are the only ones who manage to not get stabbed so we all wrestle the guy to the floor and take his needles and he leaves. We feel pretty good about ourselves, like we're heroes, until we see all of the bodies of our friends rigidly leaned against the bathroom walls with their eyes especially wide and their mouths gaping open. They look almost doll-like. I start to panic. The three of us pick up AK and Billy and put them on my dining room table, for they are completely stiff as a board. I looked at AK's face and I just freaked out. I was so glad to have survived but I was so heartbroken that so many of my friends were dead. Then I see Jordan lounging on my couch (I thought he was dead!) and I go up to him to freak out. "I thought we had saved them, but everyone is dead! I didn't think he killed them, I thought they were just unconscious! I wish this wasn't real. I wish I were dreaming or something." Jordan could care less; he's as cool as a cucumber. "How do you know you aren't dreaming? This is a dream, you just didn't know it." ... I don't believe him. "What?? No. See, I'll pinch myself!" and I did. "Not a dream! If it were, then AK and Billy wouldn't really be dead!" and then right after, AK and Billy start to stir and wake up while my parents are coming in. My parents chased the needle man off and all is safe, plus all of my friends are not dead. I was very bewildered, but then I woke up.

However, all day today I could not get the image of AK's rigid doll-like corpse and wide eyes out of my head. It's haunting.

I told all my friends about my dream and it just made for a funny conversation, but I felt so terrifed when it was actually happening.

I wonder ... did I achieve some sort of lucidity when I was talking with Jordan? Am I getting closer to lucid dreaming? Also, I wonder what this dream meant. I think the fact that the needles were filled with insulin mattered because before I had fallen asleep I was worried about my eating habits and how I did not want to get cancer or diabetes when I was older because of all the carbs and sugar I eat. I wonder why Lauren and Jazzy were the ones who survived as well as me, and I wonder why Billy and AK were the ones I remember most vividly being killed. Why was it so important that there were 12 of us? Why can I not get that image of AK out of my head?

Recounting the whole thing just creeps me out again.

What is a girl to do?

I've been a little "college crazy" for the past few days. However, I am pleased to say it is NOT a panicky, nerve-ridden anxiety sort of crazy (maybe a little ...) . Most of all, I am just unbelievably excited and very impatient to go to the University of Texas at Austin. The final "at Austin" part is really important, since AUSTIN is the beautiful, artistic, alive place that really solidified my choice of UT. I've been scanning the UT website aaaaaaaaalllll the time, surfing College Confidential chat boards, thinking about dorm decor, looking at the Kerbey Lane website, google map'ing the walking distance between the dorms and Whole Foods -- I. am. obsessed. To probably an embarrassing degree. But I'm just so EXCITED!

^^ ^ This is a picture I took from an observation deck
on the Houston(?) Building at UT during
the summer's honors colloquium!

I've been trying to eat healthier (including a 30-day vegetarian challenge) and I've already lost a few pounds since the beginning of the month. I'm also trying to work on my self-esteem and my relations with my family and other people; and I think I'm doing pretty well. It's still definitely a work in progress, but I'm working my butt off to be in a really peaceful, centered, beautiful place when I arrive in Austin in August. I want to put my best self forward.

That being said, I'm behind on my senior scrapbook for English class, I haven't worked on a script since Christmas, and I am intolerably bored and fed up with my classes and even THEATRE. I love acting, but we're working on musical right now (ugh) so that means hardly any acting, only dancing and prancing around. It's fun, but it's not the same. Also, when it comes to the social organization, I just haven't been doing a great job of planning a lot of events or meetings. It didn't seem logical with exams, Christmas break, and tech week for musical all happening one after the other. Eh. But it's okay though. 18 more weeks 'til graduation.

I've realized this year that out of my very large group of friends, only a small handful are people I really connect with and trust. I'm not upset about this fact, not at all! I think everyone is in the same situation if they really examined it closely. However, because of this I am semi-anti-social (sorry!) and spend a lot of time with my family or just a few certain people. I just feel like all of my peers and I have all grown in different directions and we're just too big for our little terracotta suburban pot! These plants gotta grow somewhere NEW!

... but all in due time, right? And I believe that these next 18 weeks are purposely mundane and dragging in order to give me the time I need to become who I want to be physically, creatively, emotionally, and mentally.

Oh and guess who's back in TEXAS???



Yep. Brooke. =] And I'm looking forward to seeing her. It's been a loooooong time since I've talked to my good friend face to face instead of through letters or packages or blog posts or texts or telephone. Hurray!



I'm in a great mood tonight.

Girls Become Lovers

Because I'm so awful about keeping up with this thing, here's a quick update of what I've been up to ...

• I have been doing a pretty good job of eating healthy since the New Year like I vowed to do. I still can't manage to give up the chocolate, but I'm doing it in smaller portions. Little bits. AND I'm logging it all, so I'm fully accountable for everything I put in my mouth. (Har har har ...)
• I've attempted ONCE AGAIN to learn to knit. It's a little less difficult this time! I swear, by next winter I am determined to be able to actually make something.
• I went on a wonderful craft store binge and bought many beautiful papers, stickers, and clay. Now I just need to make stuff with it all!
• The Florida Gators won the BCS championsip. This is good (and not because I'm a football fan). My father's birthday is today, and if they had lost he would be having a very unhappy birthday.
• I decided that I really shouldn't complain about my job at Target. Why? For one thing, I should be grateful to have ANY job at a time when so many people who support families don't even have one. Also, the last few times I've worked Derek has had me work on new projects that are sort of challening and require an iota of brain power instead of my typical "put stuff on shelves and organize said shelves" routine. It feels good! Finally, Target has always been really accomodating with my schedule, and I'm confident they will give me the hours I ask for this summer.
• I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT GOING TO UT! Last night I talked to a potential roommate on facebook, and it was so exciting! It's happening. Wow. 8 months or so and I will be in Austin attending the University of Texas. I can not wait.

And because I know that was probably not very interesting to read ...

Here is the very talented (and very entertaining) Nick Pitera singing "A Whole New World" from Disney's Aladdin. Yeah, that's right ... he's Princess Jasmine too.

Also ...
Thoughts About the New Pepsi Logo
The Stories Behind 20 Muppet Favorites

Which Francesca Lia Block Character Are You?

and ... THIS shirt is far too cute.

I want it!