Dang it.

I keep checking the post secrets because I thought today was Saturday, meaning now that it is 1:30 the new Sunday secrets would be up. Nope. Gah.

Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans

Hmm ... so I left for Missouri on Wednesday, and came back on Thursday ... the whole trip by car. 16 hours in the car, 10 hours asleep in the hotel, and 13 hours actually in Kansas City. Short trip. We took Dayna to Kansas City Art Institute. I miss her already. I'm really happy for her, she says that it's great to be around people whom she can relate with in the same way. But it still doesn't change the fact that for the first time in my life, I'll be living without my sister under the same roof. I cried a lot more than I thought I would in public, I thought it would all be when I got home late at night.

I can't believe school starts on Monday. This summer went by too quickly; I think I worked too much instead of enjoying myself. I understand how that could sound hedonistic, but really I wish I had spent more time with my closest friends and especially my sister. Time is just too precious to wear red and khaki under linoleum lights. Today we cleaned the theatre room, barely scratched the surface ... still more to do. We're going back tomorrow to finish up. I love being in the theatre and being around theatre people. I don't always agree with or love all of them all the time, but there is a certain comfort that comes from being around familiar faces from the last four years.

Juan and I have become such amazing friends lately. We hardly talked for the first two months of summer, but it was like we had never been apart the way we can just jump right back to where we left off. He's amazing. I'm glad he's my friend.

I miss Brooke so much. She says she'll be back in December, but I really can't help but worry about her in Seattle bouncing from house to house. She got her phone shut off, so that's just worse and I hope she is staying in school and getting good grades. However, in her letter she did seem relatively happy so I hope that means things are going well for her. I just wish she was here.

Steve. Geez. I don't know what to say. You bother me that way you are so codependent on whoever your latest boyfriend is. I will never see the desperate need for a boy in the way you act. I want a companion to accent my life and add to it. Not complete it. I just don't understand how you can be my best friend sometimes. You're no good at listening or being there for people, only when I can corner you into actually hanging around me do I ever get to talk to you. I'm going to stop ranting about you right now. It'd take too long and make me too unhappy. You just got lost, I swear. Maybe the next generation? Ha. We'll see ...

There are so many things I want to do or become. I want to be a writer, an actor, a filmmaker, a poet, a songwriter, a pianist, a rockstar, a revolutionary, an activist, a craftsman, a fashionista. Sometimes I feel very ordinary and untalented and that's the most troublesome feeling at all.

Dayna and I saw "Vicky Christina Barcelona" on our last night together, and it was pretty awesome. I felt like all the characters were based in reality, and it was nice to see strong yet flawed feminine protagonists who weren't perfect or stereotypical. I could relate with Vicky's shrew-like demeanor towards the opposite sex and calculating drive and focus on "logical" decisions, but I could also relate with Christina's constant dissatisfaction with her personal life, creative ventures, and the burning desire to find something with which to express herself fully, and never feeling really adequate at any of her attempts.

Scarlett Johansson is beautiful and such an inspiration. Girls who are not rail thin can still make it in Hollywood and make wonderful, classy, thought-provoking movies without being cast as the "fat friend".

Hmm ... I just got distracted by IMDB and looking up Scarlett and Woody Allen. Ha. I'm so freaking tired. Yes ... so, I'm rather tired and I still need to clean my room and take a shower before I can go to sleep and go clean the theatre room some more. So, I leave you with a darling picture of Juan and I chatting by the pool. =]



[Title from John Lennon's "Beautiful Boy"]

And you can be anyone or just some mother's wasted son

... or you can be your own God if you want to.

Wow -- Recently I have felt a surge of motivation and ambition and it's just really great. I have re-discovered why I love theatre and acting so much. This act-wright workshop has been really amazing and has been a perfect spark to reignite my fire! Woooo! I haaaaave to act. Seriously, it's the only thing I'm halfway decent at that I actually like. I mean, I'm good at a lot of things, but they are all either 1) academic and boring and not at all fitting with my craving for EXCITEMENT 2) lots of fun but mostly pointless or one dimensional (thrift town shopping and cupcake baking lol) Anyhoo -- to be the Indie Movie Princess would be beautiful but I know that those odds are difficult and if I could just get steady work in little films and theatre projects I would be content. Even if I can't make enough money through acting, I could be resourceful enough to do other jobs AND I still want to learn everything I can about film so I can make movies myself as well! I could get a break like Zach Braff by writing myself a part! Right? It's very possible. I just need to get a hold of my bootstraps, reel in my ambition and PUT IT TO WORK. Stop being afraid of words on paper and write, and design, and imagine, and RISK. RISK EVERYTHING. YESSSSSSSS.

I've also been thinking a lot about the negative realization that I'm probably socially retarded and most people probably find me annoying. My sister and best friend say I am, but they still love me ... but I realize I just probably am one of those awkward social skill lacking people who bug others or other people feel bad for. ......Welp. Nothing I can do about it, right? I'm too hyped up on this new ambition wave to really think about it.

I've been watching the Olympics and hearing a lot about annoying Disney child stars lately and I'm just so overwhelmed by it all. I'm getting to the age where the young, successful people are younger than I am -- and I, in turn, feel very inadequate. I want to be immortal! I want to leave a kick ass legacy and have the most fun along the way! I really really do and I sometimes think that it seems too impossible and there's no way I'll ever be able to accomplish it. I don't look right, I'm not skinny enough, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not unique enough, I'm not rich enough, WHATEVER. I know I'm certainly dedicated enough and I'm certainly passionate enough.

That's got to be enough, right?



And I realize it doesn't fit and I do know enough about html to make it fit, but I'm lazy and I don't want to.

Lavender dreams dilly, dilly lavender true

I can't remember exactly when, but I feel as though I've known this for a while. It's just the predictability and continuity of being in a room of 26 my "peers" that makes it blatantly obvious. I am not quite "right" for this theatre mold. Not using that as a cop out -- I promise. I'm saying that after 14 hours of listening to people present their scenework and receive top honors for creating a piece just like every other piece that had been presented that day, I couldn't help but feel like I had missed the memo. I feel like everyone interpreted the assignment as "How I will sell an Afterschool Special Onstage". I was bored out of my mind to listen to monologue after monologue of "I had a horrible life until this teacher changed my world." Wow. Gag me with a saccharine spoon. Of course, I won't discredit that some of the people had really great writing skill and their technique was pristine. But I believe the most rewarding part of writing is the ideas, the quintessential moments that are the all recapitulating metaphors and symbols and quirks that encompass the theme of the piece. Not another "I'm going to write an essay about how BLAH changed my life." I find that very TAKS-y and completely fabricated and boring. I feel frustrated and stifled at this workshop.

I've brought my perspective to the table even in the face of confronting their obvious dissimilarity to every other piece out there. Everything I brought up was met with high-acclaim, but I don't feel like it was completely understood. Instead, people took my ideas and made gaudy showgirl pieces out of something I crafted as meaningful. Worst of all, these people are so very proud of their accomplishments. Oh what wonderful thinkers they are! To write your own version of someone else's creative vision. It's frustrating. Beyond frustrating. And then now I find myself in this position, what do I do? Stay true to my designs even though they are now soiled by the tacky knock offs? I don't want my pieces to look sickly in comparison. Part of me would rather abstain from giving them any of my writing then letting it become mangled pieces of fluff and flair.

I know that it is important to take criticism and make adjustments and realize that writing is constantly evolving. But I can't help but feel frustrated when I feel like the majority's view of progress is merely recession to a "safer" level.

However, I will say that there is a very positive outcome of this whole thing. I realize that I am different, it's painfully obvious how similar everyone else's work is and mine stands out in such a graceful and unassuming way that I can only see potential in my ideas for the future. No one ever was rewarded for being exactly the same, and I find comfort in that for its a concept I wrestle with often. I worry that I don't stand out enough in much of anything to ever be great at something. My writing is innovative and different and GOOD. I know it is. I also know that I have a very long way to go if I want to succeed with this, and that its absolutely important that I never think that I can not learn more. I believe that my uniqueness is not only limited to writing but pertains to many other factions of my life as well..

Different has become the new same with everyone dressing like punk rockers or scene kids to show how rebellious and non-conformist they are by shopping at the chain store and buying the same clothes as Pete Wentz.

I honestly don't fit into any of the popular stereotype categories, I honestly do not wear anything trendy, I don't buy the magazines or listen to the radio! I don't dye my hair the crazy colors to make a point or wear the designer labels to prove my worth. I do shop at Thrift Town and buy the quirky things that make me happy and don't fit into any category. My personality and my tastes are unlike anyone I've ever met. It's not that I listen to unknown uber hip underground music, I just listen to thing that are either outdated, overlooked, and sometimes a has-been mainstream that no one likes anymore. But I don't define my tastes by a style or an image. I'm not immune to feeling this way, but I am aware and even if I wanted to fit a mold -- I'd do a poor job. Too different for mainstream but not "alternative" enough for the non-conformist sheep.

If those are the shades of black and white, I swear I must be the color lavender. I sure in hell am not grey; I don't lie in the realm between these two extremes. I just lie in a realm completely of my own.