So Pack Up the Bags to Beat Back the Clock

I'm home for the holidays.

But I sort of wish I was still in Austin. Ever since I got back from Thanksgiving I was so excited to come back to North Richland Hills and see my high school friends and be with my family, run in the nature center, drive the loop with Michael, drink hot cocoa by my fireplace and Christmas tree, and just generally be homey and content.

I know, this is a typical case of have-cake-eat-it-too buuuut let me explain.

Here in North Richland Hills/Hurst/Fort Worth area I established a cozy little life for myself, especially near the end. I've know a bunch of really interesting, fun people and I have a handful of beautiful, loyal friends. However, I wasn't too sad to leave here to venture off to Austin this past August. I felt like a hibiscus bush wedged into a plastic potter -- and would most definitely cease to grow or thrive if kept contained.

So I got to Austin. At first, it was terrible, awful, difficult to adjust to. Then things started getting better as I learned my way around the city, embraced the Austin culture as my own, fell in love with the world of academia, and started to meet some generally good people. Neither here nor there, I was disillusioned and a tad disappointed because of the astronomical expectations I had but still happy that I was growing and enjoying life for the most part.

In the middle of November, I reached a definite turning point. AK and I had a conversation that motivated me and made me realize that I am surrounded by meaning, and by people who could become very meaningful to me if I made the choice to open myself up to them. With this revelation, I stopped looking for what I thought Austin was "supposed" to offer, and stopped fearing rejection, judgment, or intimacy. I regret not letting go of this weird social inhibition earlier because I feel like I started to make some really amazing friends in Madrigal, but unfortunately, not until the actual run of the show. But I did manage to very swiftly solidify the bonds with my Moore-Hill friends -- especially Kelly and Becky. My favorite girls.

The last few days have been especially fun filled and abound with camaraderie that makes me feel all warm'n'fuzzy inside. (Moore-Hill Thanksgiving, GLEE, That 70s Show in excess, S'mores Girls' Night, Sitcom-esque calamties, Screwdrivers resulting from such calamities, shooting a funny little film, celebrating Hunter Lawerence, parties @ Swegler's ...)

And that's what makes it particularly hard now to be home.

I'm happy with the life I left when I went to Austin and knew I could always be content to come back to it and visit for a while, slip into the skin of my high-school self and revisit all the old places and people but with a slightly refocused lens.

But I didn't count on feeling so attached to my life in Austin that leaving it even for just 6 weeks would be so painful. I can't quite register that my friends in Austin have no idea who my friends in Fort Worth are, and I can't quite accept that I won't have two-second access to my UT friends anytime I want a companion to eat lunch with or just feel like barging in to blather on randomly.

Basically -- I'm so freakin' excited to see my Fort Worth friends, but I had no idea I'd miss my Austin friends this badly.

I'm going to use this break constructively though. I want to work on my discipline, inner peace, self-confidence, writing, self-expression, body and mind. I'm going to try and fall into an enjoyable routine, write everyday, brainstorm new ideas for next semester, attempt to get my chaos of a life in some kind of order, see old friends, see new friends (Kelly, Becky, Ariel, and John all live in DFW!), introduce old friends to new friends, relish the time with my family, and most importantly get some sort of grip on this chaos called young adulthood -- filled with internships, housing choices, degree plans, and *gasp* career choice. Good gravy.

Post title from "West Coast" by Coconut Records