It's kind of like with people and the tarot cards

... just because you get the Death card doesn't mean death or dying


I had a really terrible nightmare last night, but the worst part is that it was one of those nightmares that are absolutely terrifying when you are having the actual dream, but when you wake up and try to tell people about it the dream sounds ridiculous.

Here goes:

Myself and eleven other people (from musical, I believe) were hanging out at my house and my parents were not home. Suddenly this guy with a tall hat comes in the room and we all run into the bedrooms on my sister and I's side of the house. Lauren and I go into the bathroom and lock the door. However, the lock is broken and he can easily get in. The other people did not know this and had already come to join us in the bathroom because it is the only door on that side of the house that can lock. The man comes into the bathroom and we all spread out with our backs along the walls. I grab the "safest" spot in the room, behind the door when it is open. Lame hiding spot since obviously he knows we're all in this tiny room, but it was the best I could do. Anyway, he proceeds to threaten us with injection needles that supposedly contain enough insulin to kill us. He stabs a few of my friends in the thigh with the needles, I remember specifically that AK and Billy got stabbed. Eventually everyone got stabbed, but I really don't know who all made up the 12 except for I know that it was at least me, Jazzy, Lauren, Anna, AK, Billy, Josh, and Jordan. Maybe Taylor Dukes was there? Which is strange because I don't even know her ... anyway, Jazzy, Lauren and I are the only ones who manage to not get stabbed so we all wrestle the guy to the floor and take his needles and he leaves. We feel pretty good about ourselves, like we're heroes, until we see all of the bodies of our friends rigidly leaned against the bathroom walls with their eyes especially wide and their mouths gaping open. They look almost doll-like. I start to panic. The three of us pick up AK and Billy and put them on my dining room table, for they are completely stiff as a board. I looked at AK's face and I just freaked out. I was so glad to have survived but I was so heartbroken that so many of my friends were dead. Then I see Jordan lounging on my couch (I thought he was dead!) and I go up to him to freak out. "I thought we had saved them, but everyone is dead! I didn't think he killed them, I thought they were just unconscious! I wish this wasn't real. I wish I were dreaming or something." Jordan could care less; he's as cool as a cucumber. "How do you know you aren't dreaming? This is a dream, you just didn't know it." ... I don't believe him. "What?? No. See, I'll pinch myself!" and I did. "Not a dream! If it were, then AK and Billy wouldn't really be dead!" and then right after, AK and Billy start to stir and wake up while my parents are coming in. My parents chased the needle man off and all is safe, plus all of my friends are not dead. I was very bewildered, but then I woke up.

However, all day today I could not get the image of AK's rigid doll-like corpse and wide eyes out of my head. It's haunting.

I told all my friends about my dream and it just made for a funny conversation, but I felt so terrifed when it was actually happening.

I wonder ... did I achieve some sort of lucidity when I was talking with Jordan? Am I getting closer to lucid dreaming? Also, I wonder what this dream meant. I think the fact that the needles were filled with insulin mattered because before I had fallen asleep I was worried about my eating habits and how I did not want to get cancer or diabetes when I was older because of all the carbs and sugar I eat. I wonder why Lauren and Jazzy were the ones who survived as well as me, and I wonder why Billy and AK were the ones I remember most vividly being killed. Why was it so important that there were 12 of us? Why can I not get that image of AK out of my head?

Recounting the whole thing just creeps me out again.

What is a girl to do?

I've been a little "college crazy" for the past few days. However, I am pleased to say it is NOT a panicky, nerve-ridden anxiety sort of crazy (maybe a little ...) . Most of all, I am just unbelievably excited and very impatient to go to the University of Texas at Austin. The final "at Austin" part is really important, since AUSTIN is the beautiful, artistic, alive place that really solidified my choice of UT. I've been scanning the UT website aaaaaaaaalllll the time, surfing College Confidential chat boards, thinking about dorm decor, looking at the Kerbey Lane website, google map'ing the walking distance between the dorms and Whole Foods -- I. am. obsessed. To probably an embarrassing degree. But I'm just so EXCITED!

^^ ^ This is a picture I took from an observation deck
on the Houston(?) Building at UT during
the summer's honors colloquium!

I've been trying to eat healthier (including a 30-day vegetarian challenge) and I've already lost a few pounds since the beginning of the month. I'm also trying to work on my self-esteem and my relations with my family and other people; and I think I'm doing pretty well. It's still definitely a work in progress, but I'm working my butt off to be in a really peaceful, centered, beautiful place when I arrive in Austin in August. I want to put my best self forward.

That being said, I'm behind on my senior scrapbook for English class, I haven't worked on a script since Christmas, and I am intolerably bored and fed up with my classes and even THEATRE. I love acting, but we're working on musical right now (ugh) so that means hardly any acting, only dancing and prancing around. It's fun, but it's not the same. Also, when it comes to the social organization, I just haven't been doing a great job of planning a lot of events or meetings. It didn't seem logical with exams, Christmas break, and tech week for musical all happening one after the other. Eh. But it's okay though. 18 more weeks 'til graduation.

I've realized this year that out of my very large group of friends, only a small handful are people I really connect with and trust. I'm not upset about this fact, not at all! I think everyone is in the same situation if they really examined it closely. However, because of this I am semi-anti-social (sorry!) and spend a lot of time with my family or just a few certain people. I just feel like all of my peers and I have all grown in different directions and we're just too big for our little terracotta suburban pot! These plants gotta grow somewhere NEW!

... but all in due time, right? And I believe that these next 18 weeks are purposely mundane and dragging in order to give me the time I need to become who I want to be physically, creatively, emotionally, and mentally.

Oh and guess who's back in TEXAS???



Yep. Brooke. =] And I'm looking forward to seeing her. It's been a loooooong time since I've talked to my good friend face to face instead of through letters or packages or blog posts or texts or telephone. Hurray!



I'm in a great mood tonight.

Girls Become Lovers

Because I'm so awful about keeping up with this thing, here's a quick update of what I've been up to ...

• I have been doing a pretty good job of eating healthy since the New Year like I vowed to do. I still can't manage to give up the chocolate, but I'm doing it in smaller portions. Little bits. AND I'm logging it all, so I'm fully accountable for everything I put in my mouth. (Har har har ...)
• I've attempted ONCE AGAIN to learn to knit. It's a little less difficult this time! I swear, by next winter I am determined to be able to actually make something.
• I went on a wonderful craft store binge and bought many beautiful papers, stickers, and clay. Now I just need to make stuff with it all!
• The Florida Gators won the BCS championsip. This is good (and not because I'm a football fan). My father's birthday is today, and if they had lost he would be having a very unhappy birthday.
• I decided that I really shouldn't complain about my job at Target. Why? For one thing, I should be grateful to have ANY job at a time when so many people who support families don't even have one. Also, the last few times I've worked Derek has had me work on new projects that are sort of challening and require an iota of brain power instead of my typical "put stuff on shelves and organize said shelves" routine. It feels good! Finally, Target has always been really accomodating with my schedule, and I'm confident they will give me the hours I ask for this summer.
• I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT GOING TO UT! Last night I talked to a potential roommate on facebook, and it was so exciting! It's happening. Wow. 8 months or so and I will be in Austin attending the University of Texas. I can not wait.

And because I know that was probably not very interesting to read ...

Here is the very talented (and very entertaining) Nick Pitera singing "A Whole New World" from Disney's Aladdin. Yeah, that's right ... he's Princess Jasmine too.

Also ...
Thoughts About the New Pepsi Logo
The Stories Behind 20 Muppet Favorites

Which Francesca Lia Block Character Are You?

and ... THIS shirt is far too cute.

I want it!

[insert song title here]

Alright so, Dayna tagged me to name one thing that made me happy for 8 days starting on Thursday. I obviously haven't done it since then, so I'm going to do a quick catch up and maybe I'll edit this and improve it later.

Thursday: Giving Shelby her Christmas gift!
Friday: Crashing the Haltom Theatre Party with Merry Attire and French Christmas Carols
Saturday: Watching Elizabeth's film

Woo!

Party tonight.

I'm psyched.

Me and Cinderella put it all together

Dayna is home for the holidays! This excites me to a very large degree. Last night was the theatre Christmas party. I think it went well, lots of people told me they had fun. The room looked beautiful and we had plenty of food and there was always something to do. I hate dancing and being "crunk" and all that shabang, s o I felt sort of awkward most of the time and had I not been the one hosting it I most likely would have left early. Haha, but don't feel sorry for me. I had a lot of fun! Billy dressed up as Jesus and wore a Birthday crown and Baylor was the most precious Charlie Brown; he even brought his own little pathetic tree. =] I love that kid! My camera was acting funny and all the pictures I took looked like they were in a fog, so I used AK's camera. When she uploads pictures I'll share them on here. Good news is, my camera recovered and is no longer foggy. Yeah!

And now, a real transcript of a conversation between Dayna and I last night:

K: So today at lunch Michael, Jordan, and I were discussing who would win Vampire vs. Superman.
D: Oh vampire, definitely. I hate Superman.
K: Well, even despite how you feel about him personally, Superman would totally lose -- vampires are way faster and more powerful.
D: Yeah.
K: And then we wondered, what about Vampire vs. The Flash.
D: That one's hard.
K: Yeah, because The Flash is just barely faster than a Vampire ... but Vampires have super sensory reaction that The Flash doesn't have so all he'd have to do is sneak up on him and suck him dry.
D: Yeah. (beat) ... I know ... Vampire vs. Unicorn!
K: Cha. No contest. Vampire.
D: Yeah, I figured but I just thought it would be the ultimate Good vs. Evil.
K: Yeah.
D: (beat) What about a Vampire Unicorn?
K: (beat) ... Awesome.



And now ... fun links that every boy and girl should visit:

Her Voice: An amazing online 'zine about a steam punk princess
x
Really Awesome Nikon camera-shaped cake!
x
8 Prolific Female Serial Killers
x
Why Thanksgiving is the Best Holiday for Singles
x
Old-school Nickelodeon TV on your Computer!

And one more thing ...

This shirt is so cute, I want it!

That frankly will not fly

Ugh. I'm disgusted with myself. I really need to start over and improve in pretty much every aspect of my life. Goodness.


I know this is a trail mix ad, but I just stumbledupon it and it seemed relevant. haha


Okay, so I'm not just another "I'm leaving a vague lamentation comment in a dramatic attempt to make people wonder about my state of being and inquire" I will elaborate on the comment I made up there.


I am growing increasingly impatient and bored with my life as I countdown the months before I get to move to Austin and START OVER. I am really looking forward to starting over because ...

a) It's hard to change peoples' opinions of you after they already have an idea of how they want to see you. I know that I've changed and grown a lot and it's frustrating for people to see you as the same person you were a few years ago.

b) As a senior in high school, most of my peers are now younger than me. High school is already frustrating when you can't hold intelligent conversations with your peers, but as you grow older and the older students graduate you have fewer and fewer people with whom to have scintillating conversation. Thus breeds frustration.

c) I'm bored. Bored with what I'm learning, bored with what I'm doing on the weekends, bored with the people I interact with, bored with myself and my own inactivity. Just plain bored. I want to feel passionate about life again!

Alright, because of this I have been:

cranky, grouchy, impatient, rude, apathetic, and negative.

This is no good.

I've stopped eating healthy and stopped doing things I love and stopped putting in the effort to be a good person and to hold my tongue when people annoy me or make me mad because the attitude of "Why does it matter?" has set in.

This is a TERRIBLE attitude to have. I recognize this! SO ... I am going to try try TRY to stop it. I am going to strive to do the things that make me happy like crafts, and scrapbooking, and writing, and watching good films, and listening to good music, and being around people I love. I am going to strive to only put good, helpful substances into my body. I am going to strive to treat every person with patience and kindness. I am going to strive to treat myself more nicely and not be so self-critical.

So yeah, pretty much.


Haha ... look at past posts I realize that I wrote a pretty similar post about a month ago. Go figure I was on my period then as I am now. Maybe I'm just super self critical when I'm PMS-ing?? haha ... ugggh.

I think perhaps that might have a little something to do with it, because although I haven't posted in a while, a lot of happy things have happened that I've continued putting off writing about. Things like: Making a breakthrough in the screen writing, Earning 12 hours of college credit already, the UIL academic meets, Garrett and Sam's birthday part, seeing "Ebeneezer", seeing "Synedoche, NY", seeing "The Last 5 Years" and having Dayna visit.

Maybe I just need to chillax, drink some water, go to sleep, and give myself another shot tomorrow.

It's a long, long haul

(Bold the ones you’ve done.)

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said "I love you" and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby's diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and didn't care who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Taken a midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theatre
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on a television news program as an "expert"
83. Gotten flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. Passed out cold
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone's heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a TV game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on a photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for 30 hours in a 48 hour period
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. States
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad and The Odyssey
135. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone's life

She demonizes then runs for cover. But then how could she behave otherwise? She's just a spoilt suburban white girl ...

FACT: Sleeping has happened less often than I would have preferred this week (and yet I'm up at 2 am blogging? Geez I'm a hypocrite ...)

FACT: I have to be at school in 6 hours to volunteer with a UIL academic meet. Yes, I am so unbelievably nerdy it should pain you. ;]

FACT: I almost got into a car wreck today, the closest I had ever been while actually being the one driving. I wasn't so concerned about my safety as much as what my parents would do to me if I had.

FACT: Stage make-up, lack of sleep, and plenty of stress = Kayla's face looks like a disaster zone. Pleasant.

FACT: I proceeded to have an emotional meltdown while driving today; I think it was just the culmination of everything lately.

FACT: It's been a tough week. I don't think I'm alone in saying that.

However --

I have realized something very important from the events of this week, looking back at old journaling, and just taking the time to step back and view everything in a relatively mature light.

I harbor an excessive amount of negativity in my life for no reason except for habit. I really don't want to be this kind of person, and I don't care for the unhappiness of it all. I want to be happy, productive, open, effervescent, creative, confident, passionate, and positive. I am not doing a good job of living a life I've imagined and I'm really the only one who can change that.

So ... in light of the recent stress and negativity of this week ... I have decided that tomorrow will be brighter, and better and I will try my damnedest to be authentic with my feelings but not to wallow in negativity. I think negative energy just spawns more of its own kind and that's no way to live at all!

It took a good deal of random riding around in cars and sitting in diners tonight that finally got that to sink in. I'm slow on the uptake.

Anyhow, tomorrow is a new day and (un)fortunately it starts in less than 6 hours!

Oh beautiful slumber, relieve me from painful somnolence so that tomorrow I may awake avec les yeux d'optimiste!