ATXETC

To the coolio peoples that follow this blog ...

Why don't you check out THIS blog, too?

It's my new addition. Yes -- I realize it's Austin specific, and I don't think any of you live here. However, the content is not exclusive to Austin and I'd really appreciate the support. =]

All you have to do is follow me in Blogger or subscribe to me in your RSS feeds or mail.

Pleeeeeeeeeeease?

I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here?

Yesterday was a good, good day.

I went and saw "The Princess and the Frog" with AK. Holy chapstick -- it was awesome. It was old-fashioned Disney story, style, and animation. No bullshit anthromorphic live-action dogs and rodents or bad cameos by Tim Allen and The Rock. Just beautiful watercolor backdrops, a lively jazz score by Randy Newman, clever writing, and wonderfully drawn characters. I loved it. Plus, Prince Naveen was super attractive. (Is that weird? Finding a cartoon sexy?) I couldn't have gone with anyone better, either. AK appreciates animated movies like no other.

The evening was nice. Sat by the Christmas tree with my Dad and Grandma. Ate some delish guacamole and bean tacos and watched "The Sing Off". Yes, that show is awful and kind of lame. I feel ya. However, I have a weak spot for show choirs, Ben Folds, and oldies covers. So I've been watching it since Monday. My dad really likes it, so its fun to watch together. Personally, I'm rooting for the Beelzebubs. Super talented and super cute!

The night? Magnifico. Elizabeth and I went to Starbucks until they closed where we migrated to IHOP. Talked about basically everything, or at least everything important. I'm glad she agrees -- it would have been super hot if Mr. Schue had hit Terri on the Glee finalé. Elizabeth's a pretty interesting and inspiring person. She feeds my creativity and helps me to remember the blessing of being abnormal.

Today? Watched Jeopardy and made chocolate coconut oatmeal raisin cookies with my grandma. Good day!

Post title from "Creep" by Radiohead

You're My Favorite Flavor

Yesterday was a good day.

I woke up early and repacked the purple suitcase I had just recently unpacked and got on I-35 and headed back to Austin.

My Mom took me, Kelly, Becky, and Ariel to lunch at Threadgill's. Good food! It was a lot of fun, I'm glad my mom got to meet some of my favorite people!

Then I spent the afternoon slaving over a course catalog, selecting any and every course that looked interesting in order to come up with some sort of idea of my Liberal Arts Honor major I'm designing. More info on that later.

In the evening, I had my interview for Students of the World. I really want this internship. The opportunity to travel the globe to do humanitarian aid work and make a documentary?? Yes please!! We'll find out later about that ...



Then, finally, myself, Becky, Ariel, and Kelly made holiday cupcakes! The San Jac kitchen is so much nicer than the Jester one. It makes baking so much more fun when you aren't worried about picking up botulism from the counter tops!

Jackie joined us for a little bit, that was fun. Icing the cupcakes, licking spoons, and Christmas music made for a very wonderful night. We also made an official Moore-Hill cupcake alert group on Facebook, haha. My official title? Suga Momma.

Anyway, now I am off to a J2 Marathon lunch with wonderful company!

Post title from "Playground Love" by Air

So Pack Up the Bags to Beat Back the Clock

I'm home for the holidays.

But I sort of wish I was still in Austin. Ever since I got back from Thanksgiving I was so excited to come back to North Richland Hills and see my high school friends and be with my family, run in the nature center, drive the loop with Michael, drink hot cocoa by my fireplace and Christmas tree, and just generally be homey and content.

I know, this is a typical case of have-cake-eat-it-too buuuut let me explain.

Here in North Richland Hills/Hurst/Fort Worth area I established a cozy little life for myself, especially near the end. I've know a bunch of really interesting, fun people and I have a handful of beautiful, loyal friends. However, I wasn't too sad to leave here to venture off to Austin this past August. I felt like a hibiscus bush wedged into a plastic potter -- and would most definitely cease to grow or thrive if kept contained.

So I got to Austin. At first, it was terrible, awful, difficult to adjust to. Then things started getting better as I learned my way around the city, embraced the Austin culture as my own, fell in love with the world of academia, and started to meet some generally good people. Neither here nor there, I was disillusioned and a tad disappointed because of the astronomical expectations I had but still happy that I was growing and enjoying life for the most part.

In the middle of November, I reached a definite turning point. AK and I had a conversation that motivated me and made me realize that I am surrounded by meaning, and by people who could become very meaningful to me if I made the choice to open myself up to them. With this revelation, I stopped looking for what I thought Austin was "supposed" to offer, and stopped fearing rejection, judgment, or intimacy. I regret not letting go of this weird social inhibition earlier because I feel like I started to make some really amazing friends in Madrigal, but unfortunately, not until the actual run of the show. But I did manage to very swiftly solidify the bonds with my Moore-Hill friends -- especially Kelly and Becky. My favorite girls.

The last few days have been especially fun filled and abound with camaraderie that makes me feel all warm'n'fuzzy inside. (Moore-Hill Thanksgiving, GLEE, That 70s Show in excess, S'mores Girls' Night, Sitcom-esque calamties, Screwdrivers resulting from such calamities, shooting a funny little film, celebrating Hunter Lawerence, parties @ Swegler's ...)

And that's what makes it particularly hard now to be home.

I'm happy with the life I left when I went to Austin and knew I could always be content to come back to it and visit for a while, slip into the skin of my high-school self and revisit all the old places and people but with a slightly refocused lens.

But I didn't count on feeling so attached to my life in Austin that leaving it even for just 6 weeks would be so painful. I can't quite register that my friends in Austin have no idea who my friends in Fort Worth are, and I can't quite accept that I won't have two-second access to my UT friends anytime I want a companion to eat lunch with or just feel like barging in to blather on randomly.

Basically -- I'm so freakin' excited to see my Fort Worth friends, but I had no idea I'd miss my Austin friends this badly.

I'm going to use this break constructively though. I want to work on my discipline, inner peace, self-confidence, writing, self-expression, body and mind. I'm going to try and fall into an enjoyable routine, write everyday, brainstorm new ideas for next semester, attempt to get my chaos of a life in some kind of order, see old friends, see new friends (Kelly, Becky, Ariel, and John all live in DFW!), introduce old friends to new friends, relish the time with my family, and most importantly get some sort of grip on this chaos called young adulthood -- filled with internships, housing choices, degree plans, and *gasp* career choice. Good gravy.

Post title from "West Coast" by Coconut Records

I got a pencil full of lead

So ... I really want to make this blog thing work. Two of my best friends have started blogging (Juan and Elizabeth!) and I think knowing that I will at least have an audience of two gives me more motivation to keep this up. Plus, practically anyone wanting a career in the media realm these days needs a blog. It's about as essential as a resumé these days. Also, I think it's a nice forum to share the things I love about Austin and to elaborate on the quirky little adventures I encounter. And most importantly, blogging is a good form of self-expression; by putting the little critical paranoid hyperspeed voice in my head on paper and getting some feedback, whether it be advice, empathy, or acknowledgment, at least it's out of my head and on a page! Anyway, this post obviously ain't so hot. It's a post ... about posting. Wow. I'll get better. I'll post more often and I'll post more meaningful/exciting/interesting/intelligent blog posts. I promise!

Post title from: Paolo Nutini's "Pencil Full of Lead"

'til touchdown brings me 'round again to find

I feel like I've been away on a very, very long trip.

In reality -- it was two days.
In reality -- it was two weeks.
In reality -- it was two months.
In reality -- it was a long time coming.


Two weeks ago I sort of closed off and became very antisocial and very unhappy for a week. Locked myself in my dorm room and spent my time just reading books, and thinking, and talking to God.

The problem lied in the fact that I hadn't been happy for a while. I had felt sort of unfulfilled and lackluster, among other things, when I was in North Richland Hills and I was convinced that coming to Austin was going to fix that. I got here -- temporarily got high on the fumes of spankin' new setting, and then very quickly started to feel the same old melancholy.

So two weeks ago I locked myself in my room for a introspective intervention.

And one week ago I got very, very sick.

I think it was almost like an extension of the healing I was trying to accomplish with the week before. I needed a new start and new change and some sort of organization and focus for myself. I needed to slow down, think about what I was doing, and set forth in the right direction. I got sick and it forced me to chill out and spend a lot of miserable time with myself. It was cathartic to feel terrible, and through the sweating and the sneezing and the coughing and the ear aches I realized that somewhere between leaving North Richland Hills and arriving in Austin I departed very sharply from pursuing a life that I had imagined for myself. Blame it on uncertainty, or a new environment, or lack of hours in the day, or anything .... but the fact of the matter was now I was just as unhappy as when I left, if not more so, and really, I was the only one with the power to fix it.

I went home for the first time this past weekend with this in mind. I was blessed with good timing! I was only going to see Baylor and his show, but was fortunate enough that Michael was in town that weekend (and it was his birthday!), Nick was in town that weekend, and Landon was home from boot camp. I got to see all of them and even more people. For such a whirlwind visit, I spent a lot of meaningful time with the most amazing of people (but not nearly ENOUGH time!).

Being home was nice. Familiar, comfortable, but bittersweet. It was a reminder that childhood really is over and now I'm learning how to be an adult. I have never felt more grateful for my parents, and so blessed to have such great friends and family.


"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams; live the life you have imagined." - Henry David Thoreau

I saw that quote on my jewelry box today; I'm excited to start living that life I've imagined.

May the good lord be with you down every road you roam

.. And may sunshine and happiness surround you when you're far from home. And may you grow to be proud, dignified, and true and do unto others you'd have done to you. Be courageous and be brave, and in my heart you'll always stay forever young.

This was an essay I just finished writing for a scholarship my dad found for me to apply to. Enjoy.

State your future goals/aspirations as they relate to your career and education objectives.

I am choosing to pursue a Bachelor of Science from the University of Texas at Austin in Film because I aspire to use art and media to inspire thought. My sophomore year of high school, I saw a documentary called “Invisible Children” that documented the struggles of kidnapped child soldiers in the Sudanese civil war. Produced by college students, the film was modern, entertaining, and relatable for a young audience. The subject matter was shocking and really touched me. Influenced by the film, I created my own service organization at my high school to raise funds for the cause. One day, with my collegiate training, I will travel the world to underprivileged societies and to areas of underpublicized human rights crises and create documentary films that will educate the civilized world of the struggles much of humanity is facing, in hopes that they will be inspired to act and assist. With my film degree, I also aspire to create narrative films that are whimsical and character-driven, with a deep sense of humanity to the core. I aspire to tackle topical issues like mental illness, self-image, discrimination, human weakness, and existentialism using historical allegory, animation, puppetry, music, and more. Film is the art of story-telling but with unlimited artistic resources to tell that story. I will use my education to obtain the technical skills in order to execute my creative vision and create films that inspire people to more closely examine the ways in which they lead their lives. Because of the all-encompassing artistic nature of film, I aspire to work in a menagerie of artistic fields, using the technical skills of storyboarding, production, or screen writing to also work as a cartoonist, digital media artist, and author. Although ambitious, this task will not be impossible for all of these vocations will be small facets of my career as a auteur, an artist who is responsible for every facet of his film. Film is inspiring because of its story-telling nature. The audience is privileged enough to watch a human as he experiences life and is changed by those experiences. I aspire to act in some of my films some day, as well. The human condition is fascinating, and acting is another art form I can use to influence and inspire. I have experienced much great art in my lifetime thus far. Art that is great is not only art that will make you smile, but art that will make you panic, make you sob, and most importantly, make you think. I aspire to inspire.

Post title from "Forever Young" by Bob Dylan

Keep telling myself it that won't take long till I'm free of my disease

I feel very down lately. Its almost been a year since I cried on a bed in Jester Center at UT Honors Colloquium because I wasn't the person I wanted to be. Now, I am closer to being that person. However, with only 51 days until my 18th birthday and one-year anniversary of the decision to pursue my better self, I'm not close enough to be happy. I should be happy with my progress but I wanted to achieve MORE.

Maybe my goals are petty.

- Obtain a more unique, creative wardrobe
- Finish accutane, *hopefully* have beautiful skin
- Weigh 128 lbs
- Play a musical instrument (working on the ukulele!)
- Finish a screenplay. (I feel particularly shitty about this one.)
- Become a crafter (I haven't even finished knitting one scarf!)

Basically, I don't know where the time went. I achieved a lot this year but, damn it. I feel like I failed somewhere. I doubt I have the time to achieve the rest of those goals by July 25, at the latest, August 15. I want to be the most perfect me when I go to Austin in the fall and right now I'm having one of those moments/days/phases where I just am lacking the confidence and optimism to sprint the final leg.

Blah.

I need to exercise: patience, self-discipline, perseverance, confidence, optimism, and dedication.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, YES. I can do this.

Pleeeeeeeeeease.

Post title from Matchbox 20's "Disease"